Dealing with WAW Part 3

[pilot]

Wonka,

That was not meant as a pressuring statement. That was the same she asked me when I went to visit her last week and even insisted I stay at her place when I had a hotel reservation. It was more about logistics as well as trying to not be so indifferent as earlier respondents thought I might have been coming across as. I get what you are saying though. Maybe wording it differently... Anyways, that turned out to be the least of my troubles tonight...

So W gets here mid afternoon. She had already texted me to let me know she was stopping at different apartments and looking at them. (close to where I want to put S5 in school). When she gets to my place, we decide to take the kids to the pool for a bit. Let them swim, and not much conversation between us. Afterwards, we take them to a fun touristy spot and let them eat dinner, while we had some frozen drinks and a beer. Brought the kids home, and we both get showered so we can go to a nicer place for ourselves and talk.

Once we get there, I could tell she was not going to initiate the conversation, so I said I was anxious to hear what she had to say. She started off with the apartments and the school, and all she would need to move down to this area. And basically what she would want from me financially to make it happen. Now before she came down, we had agreed we needed to have a marriage/divorce talk as well. We had already agreed to that at the beginning of our separation that we would revisit the marriage before school started. So...she did not really know what to say or how to begin. She was kinda just sitting there not wanting to say anything. She said she did not want to say anything that would upset me. I assured her I was comfortable having this conversation and I would not be upset regardless of what we discussed. So I started the conversation off by saying right now we have a divorce you filed, but have not served me with yet. She said she had not planned on doing anything with it and thought our old state did not want to deal with us. I told her we have 4 months left under our old state laws before our new state would accept us. The long and short is she seemed uncertain about how or if to proceed. So, maybe a positive.

Our conversation basically went downhill, as I knew it would. I do not remember the exact sequence of events or topics discussed, but when asked if she still wanted to proceed with the divorce, she said yes, she thinks that is best at this time. She was already mad at that point because I had already shot down her idea of me getting her an apartment and a new car so she could move here. I was very clear I was not trying to be mean or vindictive, there was just not any money for me to give her to do these things. I said if I had it I would. I later semi contradicted that by reminding her because of our pending divorce, if I decided to put her up in an apartment and get her a new car, those were my obligations from that point on. I reminded her about some of the details of her petition. She said she would withdraw her petition, and wait to file it in our new state. I told her not to do that. It was basically a bad night where I am sure I said things I probably should not have. But I did my best to explain I empathized with her and her situation. I explained over and over I am not trying to be mean.

So dinner ended, and things were pretty tense. I suggested we walk to the end of one of the boat docks and talk a little more. So we sat down, and I changed to tone and topic. I told her I do not hold any bad feelings towards her, no anger, no resentment over what has happened. I told her during the last month we were living together, I was an emotional wreck and did and said things I now regret. But over the course of the past 2.5 months, I have spent a lot of time reading about situations like ours, and I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my own shortcomings and faults which led to the demise of our relationship. I told her I realized I was only able to control myself, and therefore have spent this time working to improve myself as a person and ensure I do not make the same mistakes I made in the past. Again, I emphasized I do not hold any ill feelings towards her. I never asked her to reconsider our M and I never brought up OM. I explained again calmly that I empathized with her concerns and desires to move here if the kids went to school here. But right now I did not have the money to provide her with her own place and a new car for her. Now somewhere in the disaster of our conversation during dinner I was getting frustrated at her seemingly not able to understand why I was not bending over backwards to giver her what she wanted, so I made the statement my primary concerns in life are my kids, my family, and then me. I asked her if she understood, she said no. I said you are not my kids, you do not want to be in my family, and you are not me. So that puts you somewhere else down the line. Prob not the best thing to say, but I was getting frustrated at the conversation.

So, as one would expect, she pretty much clammed up for the rest of the night. We drove home and she said she will think about what I said and we will talk more in the morning.

There are a million more details but I really am too tired to even try and recall them.