Tochter is the direct translation of daughter (actually the same word long ago). I can't think of a German word that sounds like gouger - any other clues? Just got back from a week long business trip, where my boss was also present, so offline. I saw that W was at Ikea getting stuff for the new place. She still hasn't told me about it. She knows you know, so what is there to tell? I think the real question is, WHY Haven't YOU ASKED HER anything about it?
That's the key here, b/c you are more afraid of talking to her than any guy I know, who is headed to divorce anyhow. What on earth do you have to lose by "confronting" reality? She's leaving you. You are "allowed" to ask when, how, and lots of questions about YOUR d. Also, I asked d16 if she still wanted to go to Japan, and she said to ask W - I don't want to ask permission though, and so wonder how to do this? 1) why did you ask your d IF she "Still wanted to go"? Did you assume she would have doubts or second thoughts and did you radiate that to her?
I say Just PLAN AND GO!
And now you are wondering how you can "ask permission" of her mother, which you do not want to do, and which we all agree is gross and pathetic...
well,
2) you could keep avoiding it----that is probably your first choice, right? But gee, isn't it time to get it out in the open?
3) TELL YOUR W, THAT YOU & D ARE GOING TO JAPAN. Let her know the dates, and be done with it. Be excited about it, and loving, and don't stand there waiting for permission. INFORM your w, in the open.
4) finally, Talk about it ALL with d in the open. No more hiding.
How on earth can W object? ( I know she might, I know). But if your w "gets mad" at you and you start to cower, DON'T.
IF YOUR W GETS MAD, so what? She can't beat you up. So get mad back but maintain control.
I know your father had a scary temper -- but you can get angry without becoming him.
Go ahead and say a FEW Things your w has done that are out of line and tell your d to her face that YOU VALUE time with her, and are tired of feeling displaced in your own home.
Oh, You think your W will "persuade" or guilt your d into not going? That's the worst case scenario, right? That she will "win"?? That is your fear, correct?
Well THEN At least make her do it in front of your D! No more hiding and guessing!
Don't let another "already paid for trip" get ruined or half 'un done" by a wife with a temper tantrum, trying to make God only knows what point...does your d even know your w did that and it cost your family a lot? Does anyone but you know?
Do you want your d to "communicate" like this, in HER family & marriage?
THEN SHOW HER HOW to do it better. And tell her you hope she will!
(Yes Luke, YOU show YOUR D how)
How you hope she'll communicate more with her family than you have ---
and NOT to let some bully shove her out of her own home, and to 'stand up to said bully' if that happens in her marriage...and then you do what you tell her. IN other words, walk the walk and the talk. Stand up to your wife, esp in front of your d. How on earth will she ever KNOW she matters a lot to you if she never sees you fight FOR her?
Make sense?
Reading a book about getting past a breakup - helpful. I can see that a rebound R would not be good, though it has been a long time since.
Thx - L
I say Whatever it takes to help you move on and let go of this toxic pretend marriage, can't be all bad.
Just be honest with OWs --- that you are not yet in a position to give them what they need.
But I know there are women out there who will enjoy your companionship without strings attached - and that would be a big improvement over the "zero people contact" you have now, or so I think. Not to mention the ice cold reception you get at your "dream home".
And fwiw, a father is a big deal.
My dad ultimately has had more influence on me than my mom. He was scholarly and she was the life of the party. Yes I do perform and so I Do have some of her tendencies.
But he was a L, as am I and I went to HIS alma mater for law school. WE had some great deep discussions, whereas English is my mom's second language - so we never communicated as well as my dad and I. I love my mom, don't get me wrong. But my dad, he was a big fixture in my life.
I read a book a long time ago about fathers & d's and to daughters, fathers are representing the WORLD outside the home, and that meant that girls with close R's with their dads felt more comfortable with ambition outside the home, than girls who were only close to their moms.
Moms represented the inner life, = home life....whereas men were the "outside world" and so girls with close dads tended to be more confident in the outside world.
My sister "J" was never close to my dad and she was much less confident in the outside world than I was. She also dated men who were less emotionally available to her, and many of us felt she was replaying the r she had with dad, but this time she wanted to "get the man to love HER", but due to who she'd choose, it never really happened.
I DO believe my dad made that difference. And yet we fought like hell while I was in high school. I could not stand him then, and his rules and what I saw as hypocrisy.
But I evolved, and so did he. I cannot over emphasize the importance of the R between men and their d's. There are books on this very subject. Read some.
Luke, USE at least some of the advice we give you, don't just look at it with a microscope.
Know what I mean?
Well, I so look forward to your next visit here. And some EE time too.
IN fact, someday I hope your d attends EE....
my kids sure will.
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
