So I'm back home. He picked me up from the airport and it's been a friendly evening but I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
After being gone for a month it feels odd to be in the house again. The bedroom is just as I left it. Most of everything in the house is just as I left it and yet it all feels unfamiliar to me. Foreign somehow. The bedroom walls and dressers are bare of our wedding pictures. It was my choice to remove prior to leaving for my trip because I didn't know how I would feel coming back home to them still in their place as if nothing had happened. They are still in the corner where I left them. The rest of pictures in the house are still up. This was comforting as it provided a bit of normalcy.
I almost slipped (or maybe subconsciously I wanted to) today by almost acting as if everything was okay between us. I almost called him honey and I almost wanted to sit down on the couch next to him and watch our shows together. Since I was focused on being on friendly terms I got very relaxed and comfortable. For a moment it felt like we were okay again and that I could tell him that I love him again. I didn't but I almost did out of habit. Would have been interesting to see his response.
He did spend at least 20 mins or more in the bedroom with me tonight. I engaged him in a convo about work and he was happy to oblige. While it felt good to be on pleasant speaking terms with him again it still felt awkward. It felt like we were dancing around the big elephant in the room. While I know this is a step towards a positive direction, tonight it doesn't feel like it's enough. I'm back in our bedroom sleeping in this big king size bed alone while he's sleeping in the next room over. Putting all things aside all this seems rather silly.
