Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Thanks, KGirl - that was helpful.

I am trying to keep up with changing my actions, despite last night's performance. When I asked him about his plans earlier today, I kept calm, didn't cry, and was very matter of fact, which is not usual for me in this kind of situation.

I'm also making a conscious effort to get out and do things. I've gotten in touch with some more friends, and will keep up biking and running. This also has the side benefit of making me somewhat less available to him, and sometimes it means he has to take care of things like his own dinners. (Tangent: the birthday cake remains untouched on the counter, which is irksome to me). I'm doing this largely for me, but I suppose I also kind of want him to see what he'll be missing out on.

I'd like to feel a bit more comfortable being in the apartment during the day, since I do actually have some things that I need him to do, but that may or may not come. I'm hoping a night of sleep gets me in a better frame of mind to make decisions and feel better about where we are right now.

I don't really have anything to say to him, and it's still awkward to interact. I got in tonight, just said "hi" in a relatively upbeat way, and then stated that I was tired and was going to go to bed, which is where I'm writing from. I don't really feel like chatting him up.

It feels so weird to be here and so close and not talking, and that bit hurts even more than it did before. The worst moments are when I feel like I've lost my best friend. I'm not sure how to deal with that yet, or what to do with all the little moments in the day where I'd think of him, talk to him, ask him something, or note something to tell him about later. Those moments hurt more than anything else - the little things that a life together are built on.