MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART III

[ItHurts]

Well you know what guys? You all have been here for a LONG time and you sure know your stuff! Sadly you were proven 100% right again.

This "coming out of the fog" she talked about two nights ago? Well she can switch on a dime from that warm and fuzzy R talk wife to being the WAW again. Just like you said she would. Here's the timeline of events from Sunday through tonight.

SUNDAY
She came over here this first night on my invite. After the "final good-bye day" a mutual friend messaged me that she was worried about WAW and that she tried to hurt herself a couple weeks back and was out of work for the past 3 weeks on medical leave.

So that first night when she got here she started telling me how things seemed clearer to her regarding me but that she still "self loathed" and needed to prove to herself that she can make her own decisions without worrying about always falling on her face without me there to save her. After we talked for a bit I point blank asked her if she was "in love" with me or still just "loved" me. She said she was in love again. I asked her point blank if she regrets divorcing me and she said yes. The evening went on and eventually we went into the bedroom to talk on the bed. Those of you who have been following this endless saga from the start know that that's what we do when we "talk." Well she ended up staying the night and things got very passionate, more than we've ever been in probably a decade. She was shocked.

MONDAY
WAW was in a GREAT mood! Happy and optimistic, talking about possibly reversing the divorce, asking "now what?"...and similar things to suggest she was actually thinking about a way to make it work. This was the day that spawned my excitement. She was "smitten" it seemed and she was sure to let me know that. She even texted a thank you to me the next day and said she would love to talk more and "I could even be available tonight." So she came over this night (this time prepared with a duffle bag of stuff) and slept here again, more talking, more passion.

TUESDAY (today)
She woke up shaking and crying. She was not in a good place. She didn't want to leave for work, she nestled on me crying. We made plans to have a pizza here tonight.
Suddenly during the day today things aren't so "rosy" to her anymore. She is suddenly back in the we can't get back together now mode. She said she doesn't think it's a good idea she sleeps here tonight...an at this point I agreed with her. She was back to delivering the same old story...
She said her self-esteem has been non-existent for so, so many years. She talked about all the usual things she's said before...that she needs to do this (Florida move), that she needs to try it to fix herself, find who she is, etc. She said she may hate it there or she may not, she doesn't know...all she knows is she has to do this for herself, a way to help her fix herself.

So she comes over tonight and we have pizza and at one point I asked her why all the positive talk yesterday and all the doom and gloom today. Her answer was once again..."I told you I don't know, I am f****d up right now...totally f****d up! I know I love you, and I want to beg you to wait for me to do this Florida thing so I can be whole again. But I know that's totally selfish and that I will probably lose you by doing this but I have to do it." Her best friend lives down there and all 3 of us were pretty close over the years so I know she's in good hands down there but I still don't think she will like it there. She is adamant once again that she has to do this...the WAW is back.

So sadly, she is still mentally not right for sure as far as her own demons go. She said the problems she has now are hers, not mine and they make her unfit for a relationship. She said she is at peace with me and she isn't mad anymore, that that wasn't the issue at all and that she hopes I am still available once she figures her stuff out but she's sure I won't be... she said it's herself that is "not right" and that if she can't give me all I deserve of herself right now because she is still "a mess" then she doesn't want to drag me down into her mess when I am finally getting on with my life. She said that "I'm f***d up" and that she doesn't want to hurt me because she's messed up.

So beware as the experts here warned me, don't be fooled. In my case I opened the door to her after the final good-bye day and she seized the chance. She said what did you expect me to do I love you and I needed you...you opened the door for me to come see you so of course I jumped at the chance. she said the last two days were wonderful and that she doesn't regret them. She said we haven't been that passionate in 10 years. She said that she loves me so, so much. She said she hopes one day I will be able to be her friend blah blah...basically the same convo as our "final good-bye" a few days back. I replied the same, I can't do it right now. I told her to please tell her friends not to contact me in the future the next time something dramatic happens with her...that I don't want to be involved anymore. I told her I got sucked in these past two days.
We said good-bye again although not as "sweet" as the first time, this one there was a little bitterness.
But tonight she is gone again so the "honeymoon" as the experts call it is over.
WAW walked away again...just like the vets here said she likely would. Man was I a sucker hook, line, an sinker.