Wife STILL in MLC but has now left #1

[Lifes Twists]

Matt,

Ask yourself this," If I entered her home without permission, would she call the police on me?" I am sure she would. I ran into the same craziness. I would inform her in a certified letter, maybe use your lawyer to help you craft it, that she can no longer enter your home unless she has permission and you are present. The next time she does, call the police and inform them she is trespassing and removing articles from the home. Unless you do something, she will continue to do and take as she pleases. Most likely the police will ask her to return the items and leave without actually charging her with anything. Let her take you to court to gain entrance if need be.

[LiveNow]

Matt - you have really been through the wringer, haven't you? I have to say, you are doing awesome. Re: your vent the other day - you don't know if you can ever forgive...I'm not sure I can either. People who seem to do so easily just amaze me. I know it's really for ourselves if/when we forgive, and not so much for them. Hanging onto the anger and bitterness does us no good. I think I'm going to start praying that I can forgive. (But do I have to tell H if I do? Ha.) Anyway, you've stood beyond what I ever could have done. She has tested every fiber of your being, but think of yourself and kids now.

One thing I keep wondering, though...what do you think might happen one day when her father is gone? I really have to wonder, if that whole element were removed from this sitch, where might you/she be? Is that something that might happen in the not-too-distant future? I wish a long and healthy life for everyone, but is that something that might change things down the road?

Keep going Matt, you'll make it. We all will.

[pbetra]

Hi Matt,
what a coincidence! I was just checking up on you to see if any one had ideas re: your D. I suppose that you are feeling better? (Or do you still have need to go out?)

>>I just hate to put her on the spot when she has the key and her mom wants to come in my house. It will have to be done as I will not leave my D14 without a key to the ONLY HOME SHE HAS EVER KNOWN until her mother moved out a month ago.<<

This is truly rough - your D14 shouldn't be without a key. (D14 is clearly more mature than W & shouldn't be inconvenienced anyway). The more I read of this 'condition', the more I realize how crazy it is.

I don't know how to translate this sitch into a feasible solution for D14 - > Mom/W, NO entry. Maybe no answer unless you are home?

>> My W said that D doesn't hurt kids[/b], it's how the parents act. Well, so far she hasn't been acting in a way that is anything less than hurtful!<<

If this (in bold, above) wasn't so serious, it could almost be funny. They really do believe their crap!
Remember to do something for yourself. You really do need a break from these unpredictable CRAZY events - a way to release when the crazy, out of control behaviour begins.

[Matt165]

Hi Livenow,
I know what you mean by not wanting anything "bad" to happen but this guy is not benefiting this world at all! He is very sick with a rare form of cancer. He had more than 1/2 his liver removed more than 3 years ago (start of W's MLC!) and it has returned. He is undergoing treatment at MD Anderson now and was given a 40% chance of survival. The treatments have worked somewhat but he is very weak. I really believe the reason he wants my W back in his life is he had to help his father when he died of cancer. His wife has a very bad back and hip problem and can't help him. He needs someone to help him when he is really sick and the only family member that is left that would do it is my W. He is that kind of person.

I do worry about when he does die and how my W will take it. I think that depends on if she feels like he loves and respects her before it happens or if he shows his true colors and dies the way he lived. Even if he gets through this bout, he probably won't live too much longer. I have a bad feeling that my W will have a break down when that happens. She had a mini one when he found out the cancer was back!

I can't say she wouldn't have had MLC if he didn't come back in her life but I'm certain he is making the one she is having MUCH worse!

[Matt165]

Thanks pbetra,
It seems every time I start to get over the last crap my W pulled, she pulls something new out of her bag of tricks! My W texted me for info for registering D14 at the school near her. I gave it to her as I don't know if I will be able to get my D into another school in time for the start of the school year. If the dang IRS hadn't audited me, my D would be going to private school for sure. Same if my W hadn't left as with both incomes, it would be done.

I can't believe how I feel about my W now. I can honestly say I hate the person she has become. And I don't hate many people in this world! To go from loving and caring about this person to the way I feel now is just very hard on the mind. I could never understand how people who get D and hate each other after had that happen. I always thought here are 2 people who loved each other at one time, how can they be so hateful towards each other now? Well, I guess I have my answer!

Thanks for getting back with me, pbetra. It's been a rough few weeks!

[Shining]

Matt,

I'm so sorry. I don't know how you're managing, but you seem to be doing so great considering all you have to deal with. I've been following and reading, although I don't typically have the insight so many others can offer.

IMO, since she established residency elsewhere, you should have a reasonable expectation of privacy. She should have to get your permission to come in. Whether the law supports this, I can't say for sure.

But....it seems to me you now have grounds to file restraining order, or something legal so she can't come and go and take stuff.

I would check with your L , because I believe you can also get orders for her to return what she took from the home, if you can list the items. Even if not, try and picture the future....she's all alone in her home surrounded by the STUFF she had to have at all costs....but she'll be aaaallllllllll alone. Even if she wins the battle, you will win the war.

Her actions are not going to do her any favors in court. Keep the white hat on, Matt. At least YOU will still be able to sleep at night.

Your character is intact. It matters. I'm not talking just courts. I'm talking how it's impacting yourself and your kids. Trust me on this one.... I know from experience.

[pbetra]

It seems every time I start to get over the last crap my W pulled, she pulls something new out of her bag of tricks! ....

This is my concern re: you Matt. In sitch(s) like this, you barely have time to emotionally recover from 'toxic event 1' & before 'toxic event 2' is thrown at you. Taking some kind of break to give the anger expression will help YOU, otherwise she's indirectly giving you more 'cortisol shots' than you need! I try to remember that for myself as well (esp. w/ob. language & its effect on me as in my post)... it's difficult because MLCer is part of our history, & it takes TIME to purge them out, but I'm trying - soem days better, other days not. Your W should have taken the broom (!!) from yor home - it's the only 'accessory' that makes sense. Take care of you

I can't believe how I feel about my W now. I can honestly say I hate the person she has become. And I don't hate many people in this world!... It's been a rough few weeks!

I surprised myself at one point too - I felt the same way!!?? Couldn't believe that I was trying to save (!) the marriage that week. The hate is from the deep hurt they are causing us & the love we still have 'somewhere' for them. Keep on the road you're on esp. legal & stay away from her. Her crazy mind can hurt you (as you know!!!) on a number of DIFFERENT levels because she coming at you from MANY different, crazy, points in that illogical, senseless mind of hers!!! p.

[LoisB]

Matt,

Break this down.

Handle THIS FIRST...the house. Live gave you excellent advice. Give a warning via a letter from the attorney. I would spell out what will happen if she violates this request.

I would inform her in a certified letter, maybe use your lawyer to help you craft it, that she can no longer enter your home unless she has permission and you are present. The next time she does, call the police and inform them she is trespassing and removing articles from the home. Unless you do something, she will continue to do and take as she pleases. Most likely the police will ask her to return the items and leave without actually charging her with anything. Let her take you to court to gain entrance if need be.

Check this off the list...And, I know you will tell D14 not to feel responsible. Maybe tell her that you are so sorry she is stuck in the middle. If it helps, when my parents divorced and my dad was acting like a total as4hat, I was so proud of my mom when she stood up for herself.

Check this one off the list...It's been an issue for too long and seems to be gaining momentum. Get this one handled and it will be one less thing for you to worry about...

Otherwise, you will come home to an empty house.

[job]

Matt,
Please speak to your lawyer about the situation w/your wife coming in and taking things from the residence. My experience was very similar, but I also learned that in my state, the only way that I could change the locks was to ensure that my xh had received a copy of the draft legal separation and all of his personal belongings had been removed from the home. Once this was done, I was free and clear to change the locks, etc.

I was also told that if my xh had removed furniture, etc. from the home prior to the separation document being given to him, there was nothing I could do to get the items returned to me as we were still married w/no documentation stating that we were separated or divorced.

This is something you need to check w/your lawyer and if your lawyer says it's okay to change the locks, then do so asap. If you don't, you'll be left w/very little in the way of household goods.

[pbetra]

Matt - you have really been through the wringer, haven't you? ... - you don't know if you can ever forgive...I'm not sure I can either. People who seem to do so easily just amaze me.

LiveNow - I think I can forgive (in FUTURE ) & with enough time and space!! But I also have to work on that...

One thing I keep wondering, though...what do you think might happen one day when her father is gone? I really have to wonder, if that whole element were removed from this sitch, where might you/she be?

I wondered about that as well. Re: me, as employment issues wax & wane, I have noted very SUBTLE changes underneath the MLCer rebellion. I realize that employment/finances are the MAJOR trigger here.

In Matt's case the major trigger is FIL:

1 - if FIL passes, maybe the fact that she DID do what he wanted, spent that time with him (@ Matt's expense), her issues might fizzle out in time, since FIL trigger is no longer there. As adult she 'found' him, he was no longer 'lost' to her. At 10, she wondered about him "where was her dad? why did he leave?" With TIME & with the trigger gone ... she may feel freer on some level having tried to pls. him as adult. Who knows?
OR
2 - W might simply be lost forever due to unresolved issues, as her father is clearly VERY, VERY selfish. He is not the type of person who learned fm. his illness & decided to sincerely make amends in a loving way with his D. To ask her forgiveness and make up for lost time in a healthy way. He had his family but destroyed hers w / Matt & Ds. It didn't matter.
How is a child to escape from that? She is very damaged person - & he has the key.

re Keep going Matt, you'll make it. We all will.
Ditto! All the more reason for Matt to insulate himself & D!!! p.