I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[25yearsmlc]

here are some reasons why you should NOT send this ANY TIME SOON (meaning not in the next 30-90 days) at least 30, but I'd prefer 90...

Ok, I'm not sending this, but I need to park it somewhere. If I do send it at some point, this would be the 1-2 week later message Wonka suggested. If anyone wants to pick it apart as a learning exercise, I'd be open to (and grateful for) that:

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Julia,

I'm back from my whirlwind long weekend to Oregon. I so wish I had that program when I was a teen. Some of them are so wise and self aware at such a tender, young age. Sigh...

Lose the "Sigh" b/c it's too transparently about YOU and how IF you had that program you would not have hurt her or whatever...self serving.


I wanted to respond to your extremely vulnerable and open note with more thoughtfulness now that I've had more time to think about it. First, I wanted to thank you for your ability to have so much compassion and generosity. You never cease to amaze me with your willingness to show up, have empathy, and let go of your anger.

she did NOT say she has let it go so do not assume that she has. Even if she wants to, it's not linear and she has every right to still feel angry. Make NO assumptions about her emotions.

Second, I just wanted to say that I hear and honor and acknowledge the pain and confusion you've been through these last few months, and I take full responsibility for it.


too cliched. Say something more original like maybe "for which I am the cause"


I apologize both for my actions during our relationship, and for my selfish inability to let go and leave you alone in the months after our break-up. I know this isn't the place you wanted to be in, and I'm very, very sorry.

Note that this^^ letter might well be the exact thing she does not want, in other words it is again, YOU not leaving her alone.


Just remember you are the most wonderful woman I've every known, a wonderful woman, who deserves to and I'm sure you will be happy, joyous, and free again once you are through this.

Warmly,

You wish the best for her, but make no more mention of her present pain, b/c you are not in a position to judge it or comment upon it.

Too risky b/c you will either minimize it which is self serving, OR make it "so big" b/c it's all about her losing YOU and that makes it seem as if you believe she lost a great catch.

End it on a note that compliments her without asking for anything.

But frankly, you have already done that - so to me, this note is just more of what you said earlier and does NOT add anything to your previously sent note.

I still say, even more emphatically, to leave her alone and STFU

b/c in the final analysis, this really is all about you wanting more from her sooner. How is that different behavior? .