Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

I got an emergency counseling session this afternoon. there's not much to tell about that. I was upset, spent more time being frustrated and blaming myself, and was told to take care of myself.

My counselor's also recommended holding on to our next marriage counseling session to debrief with the counselor. She think he might have some insight, but that taking H. with me would be pointless.

I'm over at a friend's now. She and her partner have listened and offered validation and advice. Some of it was about not being able to work with someone who isn't willing to put in any work or see any perspectives other than their own. They emphasized the need for him to figure out his stuff on his own.

They also offered a lot of thoughts on things like acceptance, detaching, and feeling better. As much as I want to fix this, it was good to have a reminder that sometimes things don't work out and that it's not really anyone's fault.

I have a week until he leaves, it seems. I'm still trying to figure out what to do from now until then. I've spent most of today out of the apartment. I don't want to seem like I'm avoiding him, but I don't know how to act around him, and pulling off positivity just isn't happening right now. I managed to keep the talk neutral today, with no tears, and even offered to help him with what I could, but acting happy or upbeat feels fake.

I'd like to leave him with the best possible impression of me - together, capable, strong, and maybe even a bit positive - I'm just not sure how to pull that off right now. Do I spend more time there and try to help him, or keep going out and GALing as much as I can? Do I try to talk with him, or let him initiate? And in a situation like this, how do you balance fake positivity with very real grief?