without having read more at the moment, let me post to you about detachment.
II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals. We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I alone am responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
And another piece on Detachment:
What is detachment? Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational, (or from what I perceive to be that way).
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S.
* Developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance from S, to whom I have previously given too much power to affect my emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us are better able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I can see S falter and or fail, and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for it.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placement of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective; letting go of trying to control the uncontrollable, and or unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to maintain self control & exercise emotional self-protection so as not to be more hurt by having a relationship run its' course, or from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for, accept personal responsibility for their own actions, even when when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who S "really is" rather than who I "want S to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by S, who in the past has been overly dependent or enmeshed with me.
Detachment is NOT "not caring what happens" it is NOT indifference, it is NOT coldness. Detachment is a form of freedom, including the freedom that belongs to others, freedom to soar to new heights or fall to new depths.
Detachment allows us to fail without affecting others, and allows others to fail without affecting US.
Hope this helps some...now, back to your thread...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
