Please drop by and lend some butt kicking words. I could really use some guidance and support. I'm starting to lose hope. I'm not feeling as buoyant as I was and it's frightening.
H drove me to the airport yesterday for my trip to SF to visit my bff. usually he just drops me off at skycap and that's that. This time he parked, walked me in, made sure I was situated and it seemed a little weird but I was appreciative and thanked him for helping me out with my bag and waiting with me to get it checked. The hug when he left was SUPER awkward. That hurts because I was in desperate need of a good hug but it was like hugging some dude I met yesterday.
He called me at D's bedtime so I could say goodnight. I asked about her day and all that. Somehow the subject of Zyrtec came up, she said something about how daddy gave her some. I had given her some that morning and it's a 24 hour med so she shouldn't have had more. H got on the phone and I told him she'd had some that morning, how much did he give her. He said 5 mL. I had given her 10 mL that morning and was worried because that's way too much. He got mad at D for not telling him (she's 6). I said, "Please call Poison Control". He got mad and said, "Oh, she's FINE!". I reacted and said, "Either you call or I'll call". He said, "ok" and hung up. He texted me a bit later saying poison control said she'd be fine. I thanked him for calling. This morning I texted him an apology saying, "I apologize for snapping at you yesterday. I was very worried and scared. I appreciate you calling poison control and taking care of that. What a good lesson for us both about communicating more about medicine. I could have done a much better job about that."
His response: "Indeed a good lesson, we'll both have to practice that one more."
I feel like I've lost my footing and I'm in a flat spin falling out of the sky. I feel like he absolutely HATES me. I don't think he's noticing my changes and even if he does, I know he doesn't believe their lasting. Why should he after I snapped at him like I did. I feel like I'm only as good as my last mistake.
I am really trying to get out of this mental hole I'm in. Visiting my friend and her new baby is helping me keep my mind off things but at the same time it's a startling reminder of how NOT helpful and supportive H was when our D was born.
My heart hurts and aches. I can't eat again and I'm not sleeping. I feel like anything I do just solidifies his belief that we're no good together. I know i need to do more but I feel like I'm floundering. I feel resentful of him and our situation. Yes, I know I had a HUGE part in putting us here and this time is necessary to get to a better place but I need to work through my resentment. It's not helping me but ignoring it isn't helping me either. I'm hurt, angry and very, very sad.
I need some 2x4s and support. How can I redirect my feelings to be more productive? I know i'm grasping because our separation is imminent and that makes me uncomfortable. I just want to scream and throw things and let him know that I HURT TOO but so much of our relationship was about my feelings and not his, at least that's how he feels and I need to honor that. Where do I put all this resentment and frustration?
I want us to work out down the road but right now I'm sitting at a huge road block. I have no idea how to navigate it. I'm feeling stuck. What next?
