Mindsink - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Original Thread

You need to start a new thread.

BTW, the thing with DB is that you need to change your strategy based on your situation. In your case LRT wouldn't necessarily work because YOU were the one that had multiple affairs. She has no reason to "miss" you or want to be with you because of that.

I see. What would you suggest MrBond? Maybe a little pursuit wouldn't hurt in this case. My DB coach even said a little pursuit is OK, because it would be a 180. If I just sprinkle it in gently (after multiple consecutive "good" days), it could help.

Soooooo, Your DB coach said some pursuit is OK b/c it would be a 180...and you want to know IF that's a good idea? IF YOUR DB COACH MAKES A SUGGESTION, TAKE IT. Don't shop around for disagreement with your coach.

All we ask is that you not "edit" what your coach says and to tell your coach the same things you tell US, so we are all on the same page. But we defer to the coach, when there is actual dispute. I don't think there is.
In fact, I think we've been saying similar things the whole time!

You're the one who wants to insist that you "must" go LRT ---- b/c SHE had an affair. (nothing about your prior affairS...just her single one).

I continue to dispute that in your situation. I think you are looking for a method that requires the least risk to your ego. Seems to me with your past infidelities, your ego is probably the underlying cause of a lot of your problems today, and in the past.

Plus, you have NOT tried other approaches with consistency OR enough time to justify going LRT on her at this point.

I don't see "Too much pursuit" as being your problem. Too many attempts to control her, YES, but not genuine changes in you, not sincere outreach to her, not deep reflections....

lots of resistance and lots of defensiveness in you. That's what I'm picking up, and the elephant in the room of course, the hypocrisy of your double standards.


Her love language is acts of service. Thinking back, I realize that the more I give, the more she wants to give back (even now).

That^^ is called SUCCESS....OMG, follow up on that!!

Thoughtfulness is repaid with thoughtfulness.

Yes, that ^^ is how it usually works. Maybe not when you were having your escorts but I'm sure you'll agree the escorts were about you, not your w. So, being kind is met with kindness. Minds, does that surprise you and if so, why do you believe that it was a surprise? What was your parents marriage like?

How was forgiveness modeled in your childhood and family?

My love language is physical affection. She does not know about 5LL and I don't think I should tell her about it (way too soon) until she's hinted at possible reconciliation.

I agree that you should NOT tell her about YOUR NEEDS now. I suspect she knows them b/c I think you've told her in so many ways that she failed to meet them (unless you agreed that your affairs were about YOU and your ego, and not about her)

But assuming she knew, still, it's VERY hard to believe that a woman would feel sexual or affectionate if she believes a man is cheating on her, let alone repeatedly.

And though you may believe she did not know of the multiple affairs, I can say with certainty that she picked up on your "outside interests" at the very least.

I am personally positive that she was neglected and felt that way, as every woman with a cheating h has so informed me. (Yes, every single one. No w has said "Oh h met all my needs and WE were so happy so I was shocked to see him cheating". She may be shocked b/c she thought more of her h, but I've never been told by a betrayed wife that the reason she was shocked was due to how "kind and attentive" her h was)

Safe to say that feeling neglected is no recipe for a woman to feel "in the mood".
Underlying trust in our mate, increases our libido by 1000%.

Or to put it another way, doubting that our spouse has been or is being faithful to us, puts a dagger into the "loving mood" we might have had just hours before.

Sometimes it's fatal. Sometimes it's just a damn deep wound that festers, and sometimes, when we are lucky AND when we work very hard, it's a wound that heals...

**Keep doing your work. And that includes having a lot more patience.

You said your affairs went on for about 5 years, right? OR they ended 5 years ago?

Are you saying that 6 months or one year of her having an affair is "too long" for you to work on yourself? That You "must" file b/c she is cheating? What does your DB coach say about that?

I just want to be clear on your parameters. I don't really understand them at this time.