I'm sorry you haven't gotten many responses. Honestly, wondering if your h is moving out is of no benefit. You need to take care of yourself and the kids. You WILL be fine. I certainly can't say I was happy when my h moved out, however it was for the best. Will your h miss you? It's possible. It may not be a quick realization.
Focus on you and your kids. You are stronger than you think.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 08/05/1404:26 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Sorry that you're not getting good responses! Journaling should be good, too.
Has he still tabled the separation agreement?
I wonder about separation sometimes. I didn't do it, but sometimes I think it may have been helpful to both of us. It sounds to me like he's very unsure about what he wants to do. If he hasn't brought it up again, then let him continue sorting that out. It sounds to me like he's really quite confused about everything. OW may be pressuring him to move out...But if you're not pressuring him at all, then there's something to be said for that.
Remember, OW is a fantasy. She's not really real. If he moves in with her, things get real fast...His relationship with his family changes...sometimes that is the thing that makes them realize that the grass isn't greener, and the family was never the problem. It was something else within them that needed to be fixed.
Thanks Georgiabelle. There's a lot to focus on with the kids right now, S18 going off to college, and the girls starting back at different schools at the same time. Lots of things to do before that.
But my brain runs constantly and I can't help but think about H. I'm at the point where I just still don't understand why it all happened, and why he can't just flip a switch in his brain and make it OK. We still live together, we still sleep together, we don't fight at all, have pleasant conversations about a lot of things, and no one knows. From my viewpoint it seems so easy just to make it OK. The danger of this, which I see in my rational moments, is that I don't really want it to be the way it was, because it wasn't very good for me at times. But the desire to roll back the clock and get my old life back is still there. I don't really know how to get past that. There has to be more to it than time, there are only so many days in a row that I can sit and cry and hide from my coworkers.
I'm like you - it's hard not to feel like you're spinning your wheels.
I will say this: it's just time.
AND the one thing that time makes clearer and clearer is that you will NOT want to return to the way things were. You will demand better. You will demand better from yourself and better from your H. The end result is that you will be in a better place at some point during this journey.
Do you have an IC? I've been meeting with one for about 2 months now. I think it's positive for me, and since that's the only part of this that I have any control over, then it's worth it!
Do you have an IC? I've been meeting with one for about 2 months now. I think it's positive for me, and since that's the only part of this that I have any control over, then it's worth it!
Yes I've been once. I felt like it was a get to know you session mostly. We covered a lot of background territory. I mentioned some things I wanted to work on but we didn't quite get there the first session.
What do you talk about with your IC? What has been the most helpful for you?
I think a lot of times this is a process. We talk about what's happening at home and how I'm handling it. We've talked about the fact that I have intimacy issues and trust issues ANYWAY (this is funny to me...only I would deal with these issues in the middle of my H having an affair. MLP. Doing things the hard way. Yaaaaaayyyyyyy.). We talk about how I can help the kids through this process, what I'm doing to hold it together for myself, what parts of me need to change to be a more whole, less broken version of me. We talk about trust, honesty, boundaries and how to set these things. We talk about addictive behaviors and how to not be an enabler. We talk about natural consequences.
She also reminds me a lot that I didn't cause this. That's important feedback for me, because I think I shoulder the blame for things a lot, whether I deserve to do so or not.
rppfl please don't lose hope. It's very early days for you and nobody knows what the outcome will be. Your H may very well regret his decision. We are all extra sensitive just now I totally understand what you are going through.
Just keep taking care of yourself and your family. That's whats important just now.
S xx
Me - 44 Husband - 47 D20, S18 BD - Aug 2013 Moved out - Jan 2014 OW discovered Jan 2014
Thank you MLP and Stacey. It's hard not to lose hope when things are just the same from day to day. Like I said, he still lives at home, we still sleep together, we pleasantly go about our daily routines. But he still wants to leave. It's hard to know how to make things better when things are not bad, know what I mean? Plus, neither one of us ever brings up relationship issues, so I have no idea where I stand most of the time. I just know he wants out.
Last night after I got back from the gym I showered and was in a peppy mood. My D11 and I had a dance party in the kitchen while I was making dinner. She didn't catch on to the theme of my playlist, which were basically "good riddance" songs. She was just having a good time watching mom dance. If I can do that more and cry less that would be helpful.
And sorry for not going back and reading the whole thread (where you may have covered this), but H saying that he wants to go but NOT LEAVING shows me that he's conflicted. Okay - he's conflicted. Let him spin his wheels in his head, because nothing you say or do is going to get him out of the crazy stuff he's thinking right now anyway.
So - more dance parties. More GAL. More pleasantness with your roommate. One day at a time, one hour at a time sometimes. Believe me. I GET IT.
I've decided today that this stinks so stinking much because it's a rebirth for ME as much as it is for him. I'm going through the Labor and Delivery of the new MLP. I've changed as a result of this. And I've definitely gotten to the point where I don't want the old marriage back (that feeling actually comes!). I'm stronger. I have different needs now. And so, at some point when H is done going through the crazy of MLC, we will figure out if New H and New MLP are compatible with each other. I hope we are. Because old H and old MLP had some really good times. But for now - I've got to wait and see what emerges from these chrysalises.
And I've definitely gotten to the point where I don't want the old marriage back (that feeling actually comes!).
This is a great place to be MLP. This makes me happy for you! I can feel the beginnings of this, for maybe 5 minutes at a time. Most of the time, I'd just take what I had, even recognizing it wasn't so great a lot of the time. I definitely have some work to do in that area, I know I deserve much better, but I'm still willing to settle for less. Doesn't sound right when I actually say it, but it's true.
H is out of town at a work trade association conference through Sunday. I have no idea if OW is with him or not. We texted quite a bit about the bathroom remodel and some kids stuff, everything was pleasant. I have three more days of that.
So far he hasn't made the appointment with the MC (who is also a FC) to discuss how to tell the kids he's leaving. Yes, I think he's conflicted. He says he wants to go, looks for apartments, but hasn't actually done anything. I'm sure OW is putting pressure on him to leave. But honestly, what kind of idiot woman would put up with him? "Baby I love you but I still live with, sleep with, and vacation with my wife." Why would she do that? Has she no self respect whatsoever? The dark side of that is that I'm doing the same thing, allowing him to live with, sleep with, and vacation with ME all while he's cheating. Hmmmm..... something to think about today.
