My initial thought is something my SIL suggested last night (remembering she's been supportive of rebuilding if possible)... Which is that if I make this comfy separation easy for him he has no reason to consider going back to IC. He has untreated ADD, which he acknowledges, which is likely contributing to our current situation. IC feels strongly this is the case, and the fact he sent that specific song link without a lot of awareness as to why tends to support that, in my view. Whether or not we end up divorced he needs to get treated. He has other relationships to lose than ours.
Second, things have settled out so that he has almost no responsibility at the moment. He has a swank apartment downtown and we're managing the finances such that we're pretty close to breaking even (likely actually breaking even) each month. Things improve even more once I'm employed. So there's no financial pressure on him at all (though I worry a little).
Third, I must protect myself. Others may be able to bear being close friends with an estranged spouse without going bonkers, but I know for sure that I can not. And I'm not going to feed him a false idea of our situation -- that he can dump me and keep me at the same time, which is essentially what he asked for when he moved out -- because I already withstood seven months of trying to rebuild the marriage after I found out about OW. If he wants out, then he is OUT. And he is well aware that it would not be at all difficult for me to have a very good time dating if it should come to that. So he needs to understand that I'm no longer going to lay down and take whatever he wants to dish out like I did before.
I told him before that it was clear he needed time to work through his cr@p and that he could have it, but not forever. This whole "I want to be friends but not return to the marriage" thing feels like cake-eating to me, and an effort to buy time so he can continue the playboy lifestyle. I'm thirteen months out from BD. I'm not exactly done, but I'm done giving him rope, for sure.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
