New guy ... My Story

[25yearsmlc]

Today so far was a good day, finished up my motorcylce course, felt good to get out of my shell a bit. W texted me a pic of our S I replied back with a positive about our son ... I continued with my GAL attempts .. ran some errands and am currently doing doing laundry and cooking. Fighting the urge to text her, I did find the 5LL online and can kindle it so I loaded that up and will start to read it today.
She just texted some more about our son, I am not sure how to take this ... I am concerned about being friend zoned ... I have not replied as of yet. Might wait till I am finished with the things I need to get done today.

2 things.

First, GAL is crucial. You cannot detach without GAL --and you cannot protect your heart or even function well, without some detachment.

PLUS GAL is needed to help you not be so co-dependent.

But you counted GAL as doing laundry and cleaning, and it's really NOT. That is housework, and doing that means you got off the couch. I mean, that's needed, but it's NOT GAL.

I'll give you some ideas about what GAL is, (like getting OUT of your comfort zone, pursuing something you always wanted to do, meeting NEW people and or reconnecting with old friends, doing a NEW activity, going somewhere, learning something new or exploring something new, etc.....and it's all for YOU and your spouse need not even know about it ---but if you are enjoying yourself, that will show from the inside.

And chances are your spouse will learn of the GAL indirectly, or by asking where you were sometime and you can be vague but once she hears you were "out dancing" or "at a Spanish class working on my degree", she WILL take note.

But again it's for YOU. NOT for her and not as a tactic, but to have that sense of good living, within you. Once there, it radiates outward and that happens to be attractive.

If it helps your r to reconcile, that's great. If not, (we know GAL does not hurt your r), then you'll still be way better off than if you had not GAL so it's a Win Win.

Secondly, seems you are noticing positives in the interactions... so now you want to STOP those? Why?

You think BECAUSE there are positives, you must be in the "friend zone"? You are not understanding the friend zone then.

Do NOT worry about that anyhow, at this point. Right now you need to HAVE some decent, non explosive non escalating interactions - and a whole lot of them for a long time ----BEFORE you worry about being in the "friends only" zone.

And fwiw, my DB coach said when h reached out to me, to "listen like a lover" which meant to validate, support, LISTEN, applaud loudly for the 1% of positives, (very hard at times but also, very effective), and this can be done without pursuit.

She said "do not to cut him off".

OKAY NOW Sure, if he'd talked to me ABOUT an OW, that would be so wildly inappropriate, that it would be immediate friend zone and I'd have cut it off -- b/c it's cruel and insensitive.

But your w is simply sending you kid related pics and texts, right? Maybe a joke or neutral comment now and then? Okay, so Build on that. Don't blow it or confuse friendly interactions with something bad or think "she's taking advantage of me". That's nonsense.

Build on pleasant interactions - without increasing YOUR expectations. Do Not stop the pleasant interactions.

Sure, Go ahead and be a bit less available if you want to appear to be GAL, but don't worry about friend zoning at this point. IMO, It's very premature to worry about.

RE GAL:

IMO Solo activities are generally not true GAL, other than those for your health...For instance, a lot of folks think taking a walk is GAL, whereas it's really just a healthy way of letting off steam. It's a good thing to be sure, but it's not really GAL in my book.

Working out is great, but is it GAL? IT's taking care of yourself and is a must in my book. But true GAL? I don't want to quibble, but it's just not a real 180 GAL in my book. Then again, for some maybe any exercise is such a 180 that it is a GAL...

Some of this is my opinion obviously, but you can double check in the DR/DB books about her suggestions.

I define GAL generally, as exploring/learning/doing/meeting/going

to a NEW place/topic/place/people.....= GAL.



For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, (where temperatures are at their most extreme) even in the winter.

And btw, I had 3 kids including a newborn baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life.

IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (our son wrestled). Both activities helped my kids too, but got me in touch with community people and other parents.

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv in Hollywood. It went very well. Also write jokes for other comics.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to use a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license. (Long held dream of mine and an amazing adventure for me.)

Went skydiving, another long held dream. I loved it so much I did it again ( and will do it again this year! Just Yesterday I watched another DBer jump for her first time. JOY!!)

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Eventually I found a work out partner and socialized after working out.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very unlike me to do, but I really liked it a lot).

Maybe a wood working class exists where you are, or some other crafts thing or an automobile repair class would appeal??

I Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of H or me being active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner!!! I met two women who became life long friends and were SO helpful to me there. We are still in touch and I count them as close friends).

Joined a writer's group

Took a class in Conversational French

Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training & skydiving, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.


Hope this ^^ gives you some ideas...