Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

I don't know any of his plans right now. I should probably ask, so I know and can work from there, but I don't want to seem like I'm pushing.

I talked to my parents today, and they're adamant that I tell him he needs to leave within 48 hours, as are a few friends. I'm torn - I think that would be healthy, but I don't want to. I can't keep letting myself be walked all over or keep dealing with all of these issues like this, and I don't think close proximity is helping us at all, but I also feel like demanding he leave so soon is going to anger or upset him, or make me seem like the bad guy, and not give me a chance to have him leave in a good place.

[LisaB]

Hey Meghan,
I just wanted to check in and give you my similar story with the moving out thing. My H started acting weird and distant for a few weeks, then we had the talk and he BD. He never said he wanted to break up, he just named a lot of problems in the M and said he wasn't enthusiastic to work on them. For 2-3 weeks I lived in the same house, slept in the same bed etc. He was often cold and moody, sometimes friendly and we even had S. But like you, trying to be cool and happy all the time in a small shared space was making me crazy! I couldn't sleep at night at all, I was out all the time just to stay away from him and hiding the pain I didn't want him to see.

The good part is if he is there he can see your GAL and 180s. Mine noticed but didn't care all that much, he still wanted to be done. But he never said it!

Finally I could not take it anymore and I gently said he should take some space. He agreed. He moved out the next day, found a temporary apartment and now a long-term one. He says it is 100% over.

However, the fact that I "forced" him to move out had nothing to do with anything. He says he was done before he gave the BD. Basically by telling him to move I just got him to go sooner, it would have happened. And I would have cracked under the pressure anyway.

The space was good for me. I could then openly be sad all the time at home, or do whatever I wanted. Home should be your safe place, not the place where you have to walk on eggshells.

So I say if he says he is done, then you should try to stay out of the same space for a while. I know some won't agree. And in many ways I wish my H was still living here with me so I could show him how great I am every day. But at what cost to my own sanity? And would it work?

If you read my threads I am still hopeful, though I did have an emotional outburst recently that set me back quite a bit. The living apart thing has been good for HIM to feel lonely and sad too.

You do have a complication with him being in a foreign country etc. But maybe you could calmly discuss options with him?

Good luck to you! I feel your pain.
Hugs, LisaB

[Maybell]

Meghan, it's all in your tone. If you say in a calm, caring voice that you need him to move out now if that's what he needs to do, then you've protected your needs. Whether he reacts negatively to that is on him.

Hope you're ok.

[Meghan]

We just talked. I asked what his plans were going forward. He was confused, and asked in terms of what. I said that he was talking about being unhappy and leaving, and I was wondering what he was planning on doing around that. He seemed a bit confused but said he's going to pack up and ship things in the next few days. I asked if that meant that he had plans to leave, too, and he said in about a week to stay with his sister.

He asked if there was anything else that we needed to take care of. I said I didn't know because I'd never done this before.

This all feels really, really real again.

I did, however, manage not to cry during the whole thing. I can't say I was positive, but I think kind and matter of fact would probably cover it.

He cried last night and today asked if there was anything of his here that I wanted to keep. Moments like that make things even harder. Those things are hallmarks of the guy I fell in love with.

I feel like I'm losing so much.

[Maybell]

Is his sister far from you?

[Meghan]

She's 500 miles away in another country.

[Maybell]

Meghan, no matter what, you will always know each other. So even now time is on your side.

But remember, you're not thinking long-term. Just get through today. Tomorrow get through tomorrow. You are awesome.

[LisaB]

Oh poor Meghan. I feel for you. Like Maybell says, just get through one hour at a time.
Hugs, Lisa

[Meghan]

I got an emergency counseling session this afternoon. there's not much to tell about that. I was upset, spent more time being frustrated and blaming myself, and was told to take care of myself.

My counselor's also recommended holding on to our next marriage counseling session to debrief with the counselor. She think he might have some insight, but that taking H. with me would be pointless.

I'm over at a friend's now. She and her partner have listened and offered validation and advice. Some of it was about not being able to work with someone who isn't willing to put in any work or see any perspectives other than their own. They emphasized the need for him to figure out his stuff on his own.

They also offered a lot of thoughts on things like acceptance, detaching, and feeling better. As much as I want to fix this, it was good to have a reminder that sometimes things don't work out and that it's not really anyone's fault.

I have a week until he leaves, it seems. I'm still trying to figure out what to do from now until then. I've spent most of today out of the apartment. I don't want to seem like I'm avoiding him, but I don't know how to act around him, and pulling off positivity just isn't happening right now. I managed to keep the talk neutral today, with no tears, and even offered to help him with what I could, but acting happy or upbeat feels fake.

I'd like to leave him with the best possible impression of me - together, capable, strong, and maybe even a bit positive - I'm just not sure how to pull that off right now. Do I spend more time there and try to help him, or keep going out and GALing as much as I can? Do I try to talk with him, or let him initiate? And in a situation like this, how do you balance fake positivity with very real grief?

[mdu]

Glad to hear you are getting some good support and taking care of yourself.

I'm thinking get out and GAL as much as possible. Get your strength up.