I'm so sorry Megan. One thing I keep hearing is that even if he moves out it's not necessarily over. Maybe this will give him a chance to miss you. ((hugs))
Even with medication I didn't sleep well. I'm going to go over and use a friend's apartment for a awhile. I feel like I should work - there's a lot to do - but I don't know how well that will work today. I'd steeled myself for this, but knowing it in theory and having it actually happen are two entirely separate things.
Part of me holds out hope that he could go find himself and miss me and that this could all work out. But a big part of me is just shattered.
I'm not sure what my next move is. I don't want to push him towards leaving - which is what a lot of people think I should do - but living together in a 700 sq. foot one-bedroom like this feels really awful. He's here and he's close all the time.
I've had an offer to stay at a friend's place all next week while she's away. I'm considering taking her up on it. I don't want to seem like I'm running away, but the lack of space to be a bit separate here is really a problem.
I'm also not sure how to act. I'm going to keep getting out with friends and doing stuff because it gets me out of here, but I don't know how well I can pull off acting like I'm okay about this. I'm clearly not. I think he's making a huge mistake. I'm not sure how I should be behaving in light of all of that.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I'm not sure what to advise. My H asked for a separation so I took the kids to my parents' house for the week (his request coincided with spring break). When I got back it was still clear he wanted to go but he had done NOTHING to make it happen. We had an MC appointment the next day and I said if he was going to go then he had to get out because it wasn't fair to me to keep hanging around with that over my head.
It would be a 180 for you to ask HIM to leave for your mental health but you may not feel up for that. But you've done a ton of work on your apt -- why should he get the benefit of all that?
At the end of the day, do what you need to do to protect and heal yourself.
Sending you hugs & best wishes...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Meghan, I just wanted to drop by and offer support. I think you've done the best you could with the situation. Emotions make it almost impossible to DB 100% of the time. Don't beat yourself up.
I am not a vet, but my .02 is let him be the one to move out if that's his decision. It's perfectly fine for you to take some days by yourself at your friends house though. Everyone needs time and space to deal with these complex situations. Keep trying to act as calm and positive as you can when you are around him.
I think it's a great idea to continue doing things with friends. Maybe find a few you can really confide in that will be supportive of what you think is best. Use them (and us) as a sounding board on the really hard days.
Keep your chin up! Remember it's a marathon, not a sprint. Your H has to figure put his own journey at his own pace. Just because things seem bleak now doesn't mean they will stay that way forever. Practice patience and positive thoughts. You can get through this!
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
At this point, I'm not sure what I can handle or even if I trust my own judgment on how I'm feeling.
I have been considering just asking him to leave. That would be a 180, and it would give us both breathing space. Your point about it not being fair to have that hanging over your head all the time is exactly how I feel, and how I've been feeling for months now.
Trouble is, because I'm his sponsor (he moved to my country), I'm legally obligated to take care of him until April. He's under no obligation to leave. And I guess I'm not sure that he wouldn't just take me up on it at this point, particularly after last night's showing of me being emotional and suggesting that we could make things work even when he said we couldn't and that he wouldn't give me the answer that I wanted to hear. then, he'd be hundreds of miles away with no real reasons to be in touch with me.
If he stayed, I might have more time to work on this. I don't know what the cost would be to my mental health, though. Things are really tough right now. They could even out, but living with someone who says he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be married to you in such close quarters seems like not the greatest idea or the best way to stay sane enough to present yourself as the best possible you.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I'm assuming that you two have some things to work out financially, etc. If he doesn't have a plan for how he wants to separate yet then that also buys you time. He can go stay at a cheap hotel or on a friend's couch or whatever.
Don't think long term for the next week or two. There is a certain amount of chaos to your situation at the moment and things will be in a constant state of flux until they're not. During this period take care of yourself, watch, listen, and do not provide any input to his logistics beyond making sure your own needs are met. You'll have time to breathe and evaluate. Do not think long term at this time.
You can absolutely do this, Meghan. You absolutely can. And it won't be long from now that you'll find yourself through this stage and in the next one and you'll realize you're still standing. Have faith.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I had to ask H to leave when it became clear he was not into working on the M. I could not stand to be around him for my own mental health. Also, there was no way I could effectively DB because I could not keep my emotions together being around him constantly. My impression is you are emotionally stronger than me, all things considered it sounds like you held it together quite well during the separation conversation. Obviously only you know what you're really up for but wanted to share how things played in my sitch. I'm so sorry you are at this place
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Our finances are mostly separate right now. Problem is, he doesn't have a lot of money - some, but I've been largely supporting him for four years, which has been one of our issues.
Unfortunately, staying on a friend's couch would require him to actually have friends, which he doesn't. I'm considering the options. I'm not thrilled with me being the one to leave since it's his decision and I don't really want to seem like I'm running away because I can't handle things. But if nothing else, having somewhere else to stay for a week with the built-in excuse of cat sitting is appealing.
I'm setting up plans with friends as much as possible and trying to get out. I'm not really sure how to pull off positivity at this point, particularly about the situation, but I suppose it's been less than 24 hours and some time feeling sad is normal.
At this point, my biggest question is whether I sit him down to talk about his plans or wait and see if he wants to talk to me himself. I don't want to push for separation, but I also don't want this just hanging over my head. Things are awkward and uncomfortable and he's there all the time in this small space, and I can't imagine it will be easy to function in that environment.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Thanks for the vote of confidence, mdu, but I'm not sure I pulled off emotionally strong all that well. Although I wasn't super emotional, I wish that I hadn't made so many points about things being fixable. There was a lot of silence and I felt like I needed to say something, and perhaps even that he expected me to say something, not that I really know what.
I do seem to be able to keep some of the emotions somewhat under wraps now - which is a big deal for me, because I'm really, really emotional most of the time anyway. I was surprised I managed to not cry for as long as I did, and that I didn't turn into a weepy, gasping mess when I did.
I appreciate that you were able to ask your H. to leave - that must have been really hard. I fear I may have to do the same. I was talking to my dad about this last night, and he pointed out a few times that H. has indicated that he won't be working on the marriage any time soon, and if he's not doing that, living in close quarters is going to be extraordinarily difficult.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
At this point, my biggest question is whether I sit him down to talk about his plans or wait and see if he wants to talk to me himself. I don't want to push for separation, but I also don't want this just hanging over my head.
Meghan, I'm kind of in the same boat. I know he's looking for an apartment, but don't know what a possible move out date is. I don't want to bring it up, don't want him to think I'm pushing in any way because it's something I don't actually want. But it's tough not knowing from day to day.
