Maybell VI

[labug]

You all blow my mind.

Labug, you asked me if I was being who I wanted to be in that exchange and I gave you an emotional answer. But I've been over it a few (hundred) times and I've decided, yes, in fact I was being who I wanted to be. I don't want to pretend I'm ok with all this. I was honest in not knowing what on earth is going on and that I think he should be responsible for his relationship with his children. It makes me mad that he got that text and then asked me about it rather than reflecting on what he knows of his children and their situation and taking action. If it were possible to express my frustration less vehemently I would have, but I don't think it was. I AM frustrated, for a number of causes, and I'm tired of sweeping those things under the rug when they are causing my young children pain.

OK.

But what is your need here? Is it that he spend more time with your kids? If so, schedule a time to have that discussion with him, don't allow your emotions to sabotage your true needs. It sounded like you threw that in in exasperation. Have you had that talk with him before? Not being an apologist for him but, how can he know it's a problem if you don't tell him? You'e been a very capable parent all these years while he's left the cave and then days or weeks later drug home his kill. He's just continuing what he knows. The kids were OK (in his mind) with him only there sporadically, and you were OK doing it all (in his mind), why should that be different now?

He can be responsible for his R with his kids but it seemed that he asked for input because you were physically present with S8, he wasn't. Maybe I misread but again, have a face-to-face, something along the lines of "this is difficult for all of us but mostly our children. I can't run interference for you but I will do what I can to support your ongoing R with them. They need, truly need both of us. How can we best support each other and our kids?"
Then let him talk.
That might not be what you would say but along those lines if that's where you what you need.

Have you had the discussion with him before?

What else is being swept under the rug?

Disclaimer:I want to say this in a general way, because it's not 100% true.

Women have a difficult time talking about their needs in a way that is constructive. We're taught to suppress them and buck up, we don't want to be a bother, we don't want to be seen as needy. My IC told me there's a big difference in having needs and being needy.

So instead of accepting that we have needs and clearly stating them, we hope people will guess them and when they don't we get pissy and P/A and resentful...and the downward spiral starts.

So it takes some work to be able to really know what our needs are and be able to state them in a way that will get them met. Can your IC help you with that?

I also think your interactions with your Mom have got you in a one down position right now, so maybe instead of lashing out at her, you lashed out at H? Just wondering.

Keep you're chin up, you're worth it!