MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART III

[ItHurts]

Hi Mr Bond! Thanks for your usual words of wisdom and it's funny because the WAW came over and spent the night again last night. She said things are clearer in her head than they've ever been. She apologized for all she's done, she even mentioned the counseling thing so I find it so funny that you happened to mention that too. She totally opened up to me and she is what you call transparent now. She said she really thought we could never have passion between us again but after spending that first night here she said "it all came flooding back to me and I realized that I am still very much in love with you."

We are now talking about looking into reversing our divorce, she said she was really shocked how quickly the court date came. She said she feels like we truly can have everything again except even better this time. She keeps talking about her "fog"...a term I told her about. She said that person is gone, she said the "real me" is back and as great as it feels, it makes me realize how many bad decisions I've made. I told her that she was just confused and at the time she thought she was doing the right thing.
As far as our talks of R, we have laid everything on the table. I guess my posts weren't specific enough but she most definitely did those three things you mention. She now refers to herself as a "WAW" which I think is pretty funny. She understands the syndrome and the confusion it caused her. She said when she thinks of the decisions she made a couple months ago that she asks herself over and over again "WTF was I thinking?!" She has great regret and keeps apologizing about things. She told me that she is in love with me and that she knows I am the man she is supposed to be with. So we really have covered all of the things you mention...surprisingly even the counseling suggestion which was brought up by her last night. She said she's wondering if we should go talk to someone to see how best to handle our reconciliation.

I point blank had to ask her this, so I did, I looked her in the eyes and asked her if she regretted divorcing me...she started to cry and immediately said yes. I regret it but at the time I thought it was the only thing I can do, she said. She said she's been having so many dreams about me. She said it was such a painful realization when I realized I was still in fact in love with you. She said I just didn't think back then that my feelings would change, that I would never love you like that again. She said now being with you I fell in love with you even more than I did when we first met 18 years ago.

So as it stands now we are probably going to look into reversing our divorce and seeing how things go. She want to come back because she said she feels like we've both learned so much and that we could have everything again. She said what's hurt her the most these past couple weeks since, as she described it, "I came out of my WAW fog" is how much I hurt you doing what I did. She said she was so stupid for the things she did.

She is definitely once again the same woman she was before the WAW came to be though. She is her old self again and it is so refreshing to be able to be with her, the real person that was my wife. So much easier to talk to her, she's not cold, heartless, and mean anymore. Instead she is so saddened and guilt-ridden with regret about all she's done. I mean I don't want her to torture herself either, she's apologized many, many times over the past 48 hours. So we have covered all the bases you mention, I guess my posts weren't specific enough but it's hard to relay hours and hours of conversation with her in one post and cover everything. Basically she said she didn't think our passion could come back, so she "kept going ahead in her fog" even though she knew she still loved me. She said once the fog lifted it all came flooding back to her and she suddenly realized she was still in love with me and really needed to be with me. So she stayed over again last night too and we talked even more.

I truly know she wants to come back, there's no doubt in my mind and she really leaves me no room for any. She's come out and said it. She wants to try and reverse the divorce. It's just we're taking it slow and figuring out the best plan of attack. I never thought I would ever see this day come, nevermind EVER think she would even acknowledge the "WAW fog" but she said that's exactly what it was, what it felt like, and "emotional fog" that caused her to make so many hasty decisions she now regrets.

So neither of us is sweeping anything under the rug. She is accepting most of the blame for everything that's happened even though I clearly I had a role in it all too. She's apologized many times, she totally understands what she did (as I said, she knows about the "fog,") and she has a lot of guilt for allowing things to get to this point between us. So as far as her being transparent, she's laid it all on the table for me. She is "pursuing" now. I should've been more specific in my posts I guess but it's hard to cover everything we've talked about for hours and hours in only one post but all of those items you pointed out are most definitely covered and addressed now between us. She knows and I know that things could be better than they've ever been between us now...we are both just trying to figure out what our next move should be is all. Thanks for your wisdom and insight Mr. Bond... I truly appreciate it.

[sandi2]

So in a matter of 4 days, she just snapped out of it? What traumatic incident took place that shook her out of her fog?

Ever heard the expression of "not putting all your eggs into one basket"?

[ItHurts]

Hi Sandi! Thanks for the post! No, I think she snapped out of it over the course of a couple weeks about a month ago...she just never told me. Remember when she was contacting me A LOT all of a sudden back around mid June through early July? I think that's when she was starting to come out of it. All the pop in visits that started happening...all the "excuses" to come spend time with me, etc. I think it's only now that she is finally fully out of the fog. I don't think it was something that happened in 4 days, I think the only thing that's happened in 4 days was her actually finally admitting it to me. That's what took her that time. The actual emerging from the fog I believe has been slowly happening the past few weeks...as Thornton mentioned many times...he seems to have noticed it too. I just didn't think it was possible that she would ever return so I didn't really agree with him. Apparently she's been talking to people, she even contacted my cousin which I was unaware of about three weeks ago and told him she thinks she made a horrible mistake and that she regrets it. She didn't want to tell me though because she said she was afraid she'd mess with my head and that she thought I had moved on so fast that I would only reject her. So no, I don't think she did snap out of it in only 4 days, in retrospect and thinking back to her behavior in recent weeks, I guess I should've noticed that she was more like the wife I remember and less like the WAW from May.

Believe me, my eggs aren't in one basket...she's already hurt more than anything has in my life and she can never hurt me like that again...it doesn't get any worse than that.
But I spent nearly 20 years with this girl and I know her. She is genuine in all she is saying to me right now. I have no doubts that this isn't some kind of game. When she's talking about actually reversing the divorce she was so "sure" she wanted...I knew then that she meant business. She has no reason to even suggest that if she wasn't sure. The divorce is done and she could just leave things as they are, the fact that she wants to do that speaks volumes to me. It's the "show me" action that I was looking for in order for me to believe what she says. Had she not thought about that, I would be treading a bit more easily. Don't worry, I'm watching out for myself too, but I know her. Actions speak louder than words and I purposely didn't even bring up reversing the divorce...instead she asked me if we should considering she regrets is so much.

[Thornton]

Good stuff brother!

Just keep going slow, let her feelings take hold.

My best advice is to make sure you keep GAL. Don't stop doing the things you enjoy because you will want to spend all your time with her.

Your new relationship needs to start with a clean slate. Date her like you just met her. Dont spend all your free time with her.

I've noticed in my sitch that when I'm out GAL, it really draws her in. She's curious about me and it creates an anticipation in her that she can't wait to see me again. So when we do get together, it's awesome!

Easy does it my friend! Great job!

[MrBond]

"I truly know she wants to come back, there's no doubt in my mind and she really leaves me no room for any."

Sorry. I've heard that countless times before too.

What's going to happen next is that you'll be going through a honeymoon phase. The "feelings" will appear to be intense and even the sex will be great. That will last a few months and then reality will set in again. It's if she's still willing to stay after that initial euphoria wears off that will determine if she's going to still be with you.

Tell your W that if she is serious, then she needs to contact a marriage friendly counselor and make an appointment or sign you up for Retrouvaille or counseling with Michele. Then tell her to give you all the passwords to her phone and email and that you will be checking it regularly.

[MrBond]

"I truly know she wants to come back, there's no doubt in my mind and she really leaves me no room for any."

Sorry. I've heard that countless times before too.

What's going to happen next is that you'll be going through a honeymoon phase. The "feelings" will appear to be intense and even the sex will be great. That will last a few months and then reality will set in again. It's if she's still willing to stay after that initial euphoria wears off that will determine if she's going to still be with you.

Tell your W that if she is serious, then she needs to contact a marriage friendly counselor and make an appointment or sign you up for Retrouvaille or counseling with Michele. Then tell her to give you all the passwords to her phone and email and that you will be checking it regularly.

[MrBond]

"I truly know she wants to come back, there's no doubt in my mind and she really leaves me no room for any."

Sorry. I've heard that countless times before too.

What's going to happen next is that you'll be going through a honeymoon phase. The "feelings" will appear to be intense and even the sex will be great. That will last a few months and then reality will set in again. It's if she's still willing to stay after that initial euphoria wears off that will determine if she's going to still be with you.

Tell your W that if she is serious, then she needs to contact a marriage friendly counselor and make an appointment or sign you up for Retrouvaille or counseling with Michele. Then tell her to give you all the passwords to her phone and email and that you will be checking it regularly.

[sandi2]

Believe me, my eggs aren't in one basket...

I was actually referring to her not putting all of her eggs into one basket. She still plans to move to Florida, right? If things don't work out there, then she always has you waiting back home as her backup plan.

What brought her out of the fog she was in less than a week ago, when she told you goodbye? You thought you would never see her again, so she must have made a believer out of you then, also.

Her reasons for not reversing her decision to move just doesn't hold water. If I was serious about reconciling with my H, I don't think I would have a problem not moving to another state just b/c plans were already in motion. But I guess that's just me.

I hate to see you set up for another painful letdown. I think you are seeing what you want to see.

I wish you all the best and hope it works out.

[ItHurts]

Well you know what guys? You all have been here for a LONG time and you sure know your stuff! Sadly you were proven 100% right again.

This "coming out of the fog" she talked about two nights ago? Well she can switch on a dime from that warm and fuzzy R talk wife to being the WAW again. Just like you said she would. Here's the timeline of events from Sunday through tonight.

SUNDAY
She came over here this first night on my invite. After the "final good-bye day" a mutual friend messaged me that she was worried about WAW and that she tried to hurt herself a couple weeks back and was out of work for the past 3 weeks on medical leave.

So that first night when she got here she started telling me how things seemed clearer to her regarding me but that she still "self loathed" and needed to prove to herself that she can make her own decisions without worrying about always falling on her face without me there to save her. After we talked for a bit I point blank asked her if she was "in love" with me or still just "loved" me. She said she was in love again. I asked her point blank if she regrets divorcing me and she said yes. The evening went on and eventually we went into the bedroom to talk on the bed. Those of you who have been following this endless saga from the start know that that's what we do when we "talk." Well she ended up staying the night and things got very passionate, more than we've ever been in probably a decade. She was shocked.

MONDAY
WAW was in a GREAT mood! Happy and optimistic, talking about possibly reversing the divorce, asking "now what?"...and similar things to suggest she was actually thinking about a way to make it work. This was the day that spawned my excitement. She was "smitten" it seemed and she was sure to let me know that. She even texted a thank you to me the next day and said she would love to talk more and "I could even be available tonight." So she came over this night (this time prepared with a duffle bag of stuff) and slept here again, more talking, more passion.

TUESDAY (today)
She woke up shaking and crying. She was not in a good place. She didn't want to leave for work, she nestled on me crying. We made plans to have a pizza here tonight.
Suddenly during the day today things aren't so "rosy" to her anymore. She is suddenly back in the we can't get back together now mode. She said she doesn't think it's a good idea she sleeps here tonight...an at this point I agreed with her. She was back to delivering the same old story...
She said her self-esteem has been non-existent for so, so many years. She talked about all the usual things she's said before...that she needs to do this (Florida move), that she needs to try it to fix herself, find who she is, etc. She said she may hate it there or she may not, she doesn't know...all she knows is she has to do this for herself, a way to help her fix herself.

So she comes over tonight and we have pizza and at one point I asked her why all the positive talk yesterday and all the doom and gloom today. Her answer was once again..."I told you I don't know, I am f****d up right now...totally f****d up! I know I love you, and I want to beg you to wait for me to do this Florida thing so I can be whole again. But I know that's totally selfish and that I will probably lose you by doing this but I have to do it." Her best friend lives down there and all 3 of us were pretty close over the years so I know she's in good hands down there but I still don't think she will like it there. She is adamant once again that she has to do this...the WAW is back.

So sadly, she is still mentally not right for sure as far as her own demons go. She said the problems she has now are hers, not mine and they make her unfit for a relationship. She said she is at peace with me and she isn't mad anymore, that that wasn't the issue at all and that she hopes I am still available once she figures her stuff out but she's sure I won't be... she said it's herself that is "not right" and that if she can't give me all I deserve of herself right now because she is still "a mess" then she doesn't want to drag me down into her mess when I am finally getting on with my life. She said that "I'm f***d up" and that she doesn't want to hurt me because she's messed up.

So beware as the experts here warned me, don't be fooled. In my case I opened the door to her after the final good-bye day and she seized the chance. She said what did you expect me to do I love you and I needed you...you opened the door for me to come see you so of course I jumped at the chance. she said the last two days were wonderful and that she doesn't regret them. She said we haven't been that passionate in 10 years. She said that she loves me so, so much. She said she hopes one day I will be able to be her friend blah blah...basically the same convo as our "final good-bye" a few days back. I replied the same, I can't do it right now. I told her to please tell her friends not to contact me in the future the next time something dramatic happens with her...that I don't want to be involved anymore. I told her I got sucked in these past two days.
We said good-bye again although not as "sweet" as the first time, this one there was a little bitterness.
But tonight she is gone again so the "honeymoon" as the experts call it is over.
WAW walked away again...just like the vets here said she likely would. Man was I a sucker hook, line, an sinker.

[nit84]

Sorry for the terrible turn of events IH!!