Finding my way - part 3

[Maybell]

Meghan, don't plan on saying anything. Just continue to be awesome and be ready to listen. I'm pulling for you and sending strength. You've got this!

[Meghan]

I don't have anything planned to say. I think it's the listening I'm most concerned about, both in terms of what he might say and how I'll react. I have a tendency to get emotional and I don't want to do or say anything that could make things worse. And on top of that, I've been experiencing a lot of anger and frustration recently. I want to make use of it to empower me, but I also don't want to just dump it all on him, because that's not likely to help matters at all.

[Maybell]

When you see him, take all of the great things you've done for yourself in the last three weeks and recall how they felt. Remember the people here who are supporting you and the words of encouragement you've heard. Remember how the moment you're in, however painful, is only one among millions, and think about how you'd like to remember it (if you even do) fifty years from now.

That's the armor that will help you be detached and listening with curiosity rather than expectations when you finally have to interact with him.

I'll be thinking of you!

[Meghan]

H. just texted to let me know that he's cleared customs. Should be back here around 6. Knowing that has made everything seem very, very real, and I'm freaking out again a bit. I'm really scared to see him.

I can't read any message from him without feeling it's cold and distant. After his funny email - the one that I didn't respond to - he hasn't said much, and certainly nothing joking or funny, so they read to me as being hostile or angry now.

I'm also feeling frightened again that he'll have interpreted my relative silence over the last few weeks as more lack of caring about him or the relationship and an inability to fix the things that are wrong. I know I shouldn't feel this way so I'm trying to distract myself, but easier said than done right now.

I'm unsure if I should be here or not when he gets in. I don't want to seem like I'm just sitting here waiting for him, but going out would give him the opportunity to go out for one of his long walks without telling me.

So, yeah, this is me reading too much into everything again, which is not good. I can't go back to mind reading. It doesn't get me anywhere. I also can't spend all of my time away from home because it feels like we're playing some messed up game of chicken to see who can stay out longer than the other person. I cannot let my life revolve around him and what he might or might not be thinking or doing.

[nit84]

Meghan,

I know what you mean about the game of chicken. I find myself going out sometimes right after my W gets home or right before she comes backs. I have no idea why.

I guess it is to show that I have something to do. Sometimes I do other times I just go drive to make it seem like I do.

While typing this I just realized I am trying to control what my W thinks by doing this.

Interesting how things hit you when you write(type) them.

Good Luck tonight. Stay strong

[Meghan]

I'm just writing quickly now. Will try for more later.

H. wasn't home for 10 minutes when he said we needed to talk. he said he was sorry, but he's leaving. We talked off and on for two hours. He said he doesn't love me anymore, that our issues aren't fixable, and that he doesn't really want to fix them.

I didn't cry for most of it - just a bit at the end. I don't know that I can say I didn't beg or plead - I did try to point out that I understood why he was upset, but that there were things that we could work on and make better. He said that wasn't the case - that he's too resentful and just sees me as a friend.

He also still thinks he's put in all the work, and that I haven't done anything to make our relationship better. He doesn't think he should have to do any work now, and he needs to leave so he can take care of himself because he's sacrificed so much to take care of me.

For now, what do I do?

I'm over at a friend's place. I said I needed to clear my head.
Do I stay with a friend tonight or go home?

What steps do I take next? How do I handle this? What do I say or not say?

My heart is breaking...please help.

[Meghan]

Back again, still freaking out.

I don't have any information on his plans going forward. I didn't want to push ideas of separation or divorce.

I'm still over at a friend's, but will be heading home soon. I won't be staying over. I want to sleep in my own bed. i don't know if leaving to clear my head was a good idea or not, but what's done is done.

Tonight, I tried to validate a lot and spent a lot of time saying how I understood how he felt the way he did. I also tried to stay away from my issues - while they did some up a bit after some questions from him, I did keep it to a minimum.

I did say a few times that I didn't understand all of his reluctance to work on things, based on things he said when this first went down and the fact that he seemed to be really upset about ending things. He said he's scared that we'll wind up in the same place in a few years, and that he feels he's put in four years of effort and is exhausted and can't do anymore. He says he has to take care of him now, and he can't put work into the relationship, and shouldn't have to.

I pointed out that we both seem to be doing a bad job of meeting the other person's needs and communicating our own needs, and that these are fixable things, perhaps with some outside help. He said that he'd been telling me his issues for years and that he hadn't seen any change from me. I said that I could see how he would feel that way, since I wasn't doing what he needed. I also pointed out that I felt that way too about him, but got the same list of how much he's done and how any responsibility I took on was my choice.

So, basically, I probably handled it all wrong, and I need to fix things as best I can. I could use suggestions for the next few days.

[Maybell]

I'm so sorry that was how things went.

You handled it as well as you could in the moment and you should be confident in that. Even if you made DB "mistakes," it's too much to expect that emotion and reactivity isn't going to factor in heavily. You are not a robot. You did what you could. Think how much worse it could have been.

It's still not over. This is the beginning of a new phase, not the end of everything. It will be harder from here, but it's still not hopeless. Remember your awesomeness.

Sending you hugs!

[Meghan]

Thanks, Maybell.

Do you have any suggestions about handling tomorrow or the next few days?

[CS000]

Meghan, I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you during this really hard time. Hang in there and listen to the vets. Take care of yourself ((Hugs ) )