Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

Back again, still freaking out.

I don't have any information on his plans going forward. I didn't want to push ideas of separation or divorce.

I'm still over at a friend's, but will be heading home soon. I won't be staying over. I want to sleep in my own bed. i don't know if leaving to clear my head was a good idea or not, but what's done is done.

Tonight, I tried to validate a lot and spent a lot of time saying how I understood how he felt the way he did. I also tried to stay away from my issues - while they did some up a bit after some questions from him, I did keep it to a minimum.

I did say a few times that I didn't understand all of his reluctance to work on things, based on things he said when this first went down and the fact that he seemed to be really upset about ending things. He said he's scared that we'll wind up in the same place in a few years, and that he feels he's put in four years of effort and is exhausted and can't do anymore. He says he has to take care of him now, and he can't put work into the relationship, and shouldn't have to.

I pointed out that we both seem to be doing a bad job of meeting the other person's needs and communicating our own needs, and that these are fixable things, perhaps with some outside help. He said that he'd been telling me his issues for years and that he hadn't seen any change from me. I said that I could see how he would feel that way, since I wasn't doing what he needed. I also pointed out that I felt that way too about him, but got the same list of how much he's done and how any responsibility I took on was my choice.

So, basically, I probably handled it all wrong, and I need to fix things as best I can. I could use suggestions for the next few days.