Another thing I was thinking...when W called Friday, she also spoke to me about some very personal health problems (cervical polyps being removed, bleeding due to this, etc.), was actually sounding like she wanted someone to talk to, someone who knows her and cares about her. All the time knowing that she had reneged on almost everything we had agreed on because she was pissed and lost her temper. My oldest D19 said that she knew that her mom was thinking of changing her name back because "it sounds better" (after her first name). Never mind that she will have a different name than her D's, that she has used that name for 21 years, that she has never used her maidien name since living in the state we live in now, that she will need to change her license's for work, the sheer amount of work she will need to do. I know her, this is like when she stopped wearing her ring, she got angry about something she thought I had written in another blog. She got angry, decided to stop wearing her ring and stop sleeping in our bed that second and once she had decided this, she was done. No matter that what she read wasn't even written by me, she didn't even bother to say why until months later. That's what she does. Pure emotion. She gets an idea in her head and not even the truth can change how she feels.
I really don't think I can stand any more. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive the way she has totally stopped thinking about anyone but herself. How she has allowed herself to be swayed from doing what she knows would be best for not just her and I but for the kids as well, by her father; a man that she knows screwed her own mother, brother and her in his D. Hid money from me because he told her that was what she needed to do and how proud he was that she had done it (after telling me that she didn't believe that I would do anything that "horrible" even though people told her that I would and me assuring her I would never do such a thing). I get that he is the one who screwed her up to the point where she finds herself now but shouldn't that just be a reason for her to NOT listen to him? Yes, I know she isn't thinking clearly because of her crisis but still, how will I ever be able to look at her again without seeing her as the person who she has become? How can I ever trust that she won't just go through something like this all over again, next time she is "in transition"?
A D may just be a piece of paper but the way she has gone about this is just so nutty. Making agreements and then "changing her mind", just like with the vasectomy, like changing her mind is totally fine no matter how important the decision while me and what happens to me makes no difference at all. (Like leaving me with a negative balance in my checking account before she left). Will she ever "wake up"? Will she ever understand the damage and pain she has caused so many? And the $1,000,000 question....will I even give a dam if she ever does?
