afraid I have waited too long #3

[nit84]

Still cant shake this feeling that somehow I am being a doormat lately.

I know my W will treat me badly because that what WAW do but I guess the disrespect part is what bothers me.

If I say something it might not help the sitch right now but maybe it will gain me a little respect back?

Just thinking out loud.

Comments welcomed

[Starsky309]

Hi Nit,

Stopped by your thread at your request, but I'll be honest I've only had a chance to peruse it so far -- lots and lots of long posts in there. I'll try to catch up as I can.

My initial impression is yeah, you've been a bit of a doormat, but after everything she's been allowed to get away with so far -- and considering now how far things have progressed -- I'm not sure there's much you can do in the way of enforcing boundaries at this late date. It would really be a legal opinion now at this point anyway.

Hindsight's always 20/20, but it's looking to me like you would have been wise to heed MrBond's advice months ago, and try to kick her out.


Starsky

[nit84]

Thanks for responding Starsky,

When I first moved back, I told her that she was free to leave and I wouldn't stop her. She kept saying I was forcing her out by moving back. I empathized with her and said I wasn't I was moving back to get on with my life.

So since that time I have been expecting her move out and she hasn't, Back in June when she said I make her life a living hell and just me being here makes it unbearable. I said "you are free to leave at any point."

She said she couldn't because I hadn't told her what she could take. I said " take it all since I am making your life hell and just go."

Right after the support hearing when I was "dead" to her. I asked when she was leaving because I wanted to get a Puppy. She didn't respond because I didn't exist at that point.

A week later She brought up a R discussion and tried to get me into an argument. I resisted fairly well but backslide a little.

During this conversation she asked when I was getting my Puppy. I said "When you move out. It wouldn't be fair to you to work around a Puppy to get things out of here.

She responded by saying maybe she wasn't leaving and I said but isn't that why you took me to court was so you had money to Move?

She danced around the subject and started to talk about How I am going to church and that is great for me that I am getting my life straight because GOD know I wouldn't do it for her.

I simply said Of Course I would and tried several years ago but we didn't return to church together so I decided to return for myself and I quite enjoy it actually.

She then gets mad and starts on another subject.

I think part of my problem is I want to over validate when I get the chance because we don't speak much.

And also because we don't speak much it has been hard to set boundaries and when I tried as I told Sandi2, I think I failed miserably.


I appreciate that you took the time to respond and that you will look over my thread a little more when you get the chance.

[Starsky309]

Hmmm; sounds like maybe her lawyer advised her not to move out? That would be pretty typical.

I have since read some of your VERY early posts, including your original back-and-forth with HopefullStill (whose opinions I respect a LOT), so I do see where there are some other issues at play here that might cause me to change my "you oughta throw her arse to the curb" advise out, or at least modify it.

[nit84]

Thanks Starsky for going all the way back to the beginning for me.

All the vets have been so kind to do that and have given great advice. I think for the most part I have tried to follow it but maybe I could be doing a better job.

I am very hopeful still about my deal but I feel a bit stuck at the moment.

Not sure if I need some 2 x 4 or what but with little communication with my W, I need to optimize my verbal interactions with her. My Physical interactions, I think, show my changes, 180's and GAL's but I think I need something more. What, however,is my quandary at the moment.

I have no anxiety anymore if W wants to talk(very rare)but don't want to force something that is not there yet.

My IMC has told me to observe my W and be patient. I am doing that but it gets frustrating at some points

[Starsky309]

Not sure if I need some 2 x 4 or what but with little communication with my W, I need to optimize my verbal interactions with her. My Physical interactions, I think, show my changes, 180's and GAL's but I think I need something more. What, however,is my quandary at the moment.

You are 14 months post-bomb-drop, and almost 3 months post-serviced-divorce-papers, and your main concern is how you "optimize your verbal interactions with her" ????

I was only TWO months post-BD with my wife, and I honestly cared not ONE WHIT how I was "coming across" to her . . . only that I was doing everything to protect myself and my kids.

Why are you still so enmeshed with your wayward wife over a year later? What am I missing here???


Starsky

[nit84]

I still want to work on things to possibly facilitate a new beginning.

Behind the scenes I am protecting myself legally and setting myself to move on without my W and will be fine if that happens.

I would prefer if we could work things out though. No expectations just hope

I am not trying to date anyone because I don't have the desire to at the moment. If I were to be asked out by a woman I am not sure what I would say.


My W always accused me of being controlling and needing to have things my way. Those are her feelings and she is allowed to have them.

I believe my W misunderstood sometimes what I was saying and why I was saying it. Hence, I was "coming across" to her in a way that she didn't like. Without compromising myself I am trying to be careful not to be misunderstood anymore.

I know that I wasn't the best H but I know I can be better.

Am I not suppose to keep standing for my M until the D papers are signed?

I guess I am enmeshed still because we live under the same roof and it hard to be completely detached but I really am trying to do that.

[Starsky309]

Nothing wrong with standing; I respect it, in fact. It's the PURSUING that is a DB no-no, and I was referring specifically to being this far down the DB (and even divorce) path with her, and still being hyper-concerned with "how I come across to her."

At this stage, you should be WELL into "how am I coming across to other people? Am I becoming a better man and partner?," and if your wife notices it before it's too late, great, but you're not hanging around waiting for her.

THAT sort of thing. You present as someone only about a month removed from BD. That's not a critcism -- just an observation, since I'm new to your thread.


Starsky

[nit84]

Starsky,

I think you are correct in some ways about presenting myself as a recent newcomer. I see it myself sometimes and it is frustrating.

When you say pursing, am I doing this without realizing it? I don't follow her around and don't necessarily need to talk to her. I do want to talk to her, not about R, but current events and stuff to build up a little communication which is something we lacked before. I am not trying to force conversation but when we do talk I need show that I am not all whiny and clingy and needy just like to "shoot the poop" on occasion and see where it goes from there.

As far as other people are concerned, I honestly before the S was concerned with what people thought of me. I would even ask for their words of affirmation, just to hear them speak kindly of me(wow how stupid). Since the S I know that I had/have work that I needed to do on myself to love myself.

I put a lot of work into myself and feel so much better now than I did back then. I don't have to ask people anymore for encouragement they are now commenting to me about the changes they see. I'm sure part of it is just being nice but most times I believe to be a sincere compliment.

Even my W has commented, yelled about these changes she sees. She is just not able to trust that they will stick.

I am trying to GAL as best I can, there is always room for more but Dating is not on that list. I have given the impression on a couple of occasions that I might have an evening planned but that is a far as I will take it.

I am not into game playing, I know in some respects every R is a dance that you can either be the leader or the one who follows and sometimes you take turns doing both but there no room for games IMHO.

If I tell my W that she is free to leave and get her own place when she gets upset at me, I go out and do my own thing, I don't mope around when I believe she might being leaving to see OM, I don't initiate R talks. What else can do I short of dating to let her know I will fine if she chooses to go her own way?

[nit84]

MrBond,

I have a question for you.

In another thread, Where the WAW may be coming back, you mention that to be sure the WAW is ready to come back they must show a couple things.

1) They must agree to MC or IC or both-- I understand this

2) They must agree to transparency-- I understand this

3) They must apologize and Understand what they did-- I understand the apology part.


I am wondering how to tell if they truly do understand what they did?

When the apology happens it is easy to accept

I am trying to picture this in my mind wondering what it would look like.

WAW apologizes, the apology is accepted, Then does the LBH go into how what WAW has done has hurt him or just hope that WAW continues going on about what got her to the point of walking away and what made her realize she wanted to come back, all the while validating,empathizing and listening?

It is probably a very common sense answer that I am just not picking up on.

I don't think I am close to this happening to me but I always like to have faith.


Everyone is welcome to comment on this I just referenced MrBond because he posted it