mlc rut

[pbetra]

Well, I went on my 'GAL day out' with my new (& only friend in this new place) re: 'girls day out' - nails/facial movie, eating, FUN etc. Before leaving H asked what I would be doing. Said I wasn't sure as "friend had planned day" (which was true). It surpprised me b/cuz his msg to me was always loud/clear re: privacy, space. I can't even think of asking what he's doing/ or where he's going as it is not appreciated. When I got home after a LONG day, he filled me in re: his day & so did I (since it didn't matter to me AFTERWARD). The chit chat was light & pleasant enough whenever our paths crossed within the house.

The next morning was incredible! Rage, rage & then some MORE rage. The day began 'ok' with the usual polite but meaningless, superficial exchanges. But after an hour or so - that was it. Moodiness crept up - no arguements, just death-like cold. I could see & feel the seething rage as he came to tell me he's "stepping out for awhile". Complained about "boredom" - something to the effect of having nothing to do!! And whose fault is that?! Whenever we were bored before MLC - we would enthusiastically plan something together - & out we went!!! Now we are 'alone, together'. It's not my place to entertain H if he's sulky & throwing some sort of tantrum or 'whatever'! It was as if he was complaining to me ???

Later that afternoon, when he finally returned, I knew he was still clearly angry. He went straight to the guest room & was obviously ignoring me (for the last month & 1/2 or so - he would often pop in to where I am just to say hi whenever he got back. It wasn't very much but at least I knew). By then, I myself was getting angry but did not show it. I couldn't believe that the one day I go out, it might be a problem (??) I have not been anywhere w/him alone (like we used to) since the MLC (March 2014) - except for two nights. One was a fluke (not too long ago). And the other was anniversary just before that - which I knew was 'smartness' - in that he had no choice but to keep up the farce. Thought me stupid, unable to see through what was really going on & continued with cake eating. but I graciously accepted & of course it was just weird - no real connection, FLAT.

Anyway, 'getting back' ... I stayed away - ie made myself busy in MY room (previously our room!) & when I did come out (quietly) it was to arrange dinner etc (esp. 4 child). I heard him coming up to my room after a while & quietly disappeared to washroom. I really didn't want to see him. He went away as quietly as he approached the room. Anyway, I kept a low profile all afternoon and later on he snuck up on me obviously curious. I didn't hear him coming ... He was pleasant & wanted to know if I had gone out (I guess 'again') - hadn't "heard me around"

Unlike a few months ago, H also drops by my room on mornings to say hi (BRIEFLY) when he wakes up. About a week and a half, this changed a little to 15 - 20 min 'sit down & join me conversations' (!!) before going back to guest room. However, there was NOTHING the next day - the new '15/20 min sit down and talk' or the old 'brief hi' moments. Instead, I heard incredibly foul language from behind guest rm. door. I have to admit, it affected me. The langusge ... other than that, I wondered what I could do to get distracted.

I had so many flowers to attend to, & decided to clear my mind/'be happy', so I gardened (although I was not overly energetic). Anyway, I spent the time outside while he cussed inside LOL Hours later, I snuck inside - left additional stuff for sandwiches & remaining food where it could be reached. Hours after that, h 'surfaced' to see what I "was up to" and remained pleasant for the remainder of that day.

The following day - I received a hi while having my coffee. It was a sulky & angry "hi" - what a contradiction. He was intentionally showing me that he was upset. I decided I'm not feeding that crap w/attn. I guessed it was the sex since I have been a little distant & busy trying to GAL - just LIKE HIM!!! (sex is like 'clockwork' with h). Honestly, I have been a little 'put off' since I too am also going through the motions. I've tried to be compassionate, understanding, reminding myself that i have an 'adolescent' for a spouse etc, but it's hard to get into the mood sometimes. What surprised him is that the intimidation did not work. I looked at him since he came to chit chat. But when I saw the crap, I looked away waiting for him ...

At this point I was wondering, are you going to stand there angry expecting me to kiss your butt while you sulk? If you don't want to talk - don't. Go away & come back when you do! I had NO intention of asking "are you alright?" or "what's wrong honey?" He left & I continued enjoying my coffee as I mapped out my day (& how the hell I'm going to get through all this stuff by myself !!). After a few hours, he returned - calmer or at least pretending to be.

Up to an hour ago - I heard nasty language again directed at me. It affected me - I cried. Had to get it OUT before getting back to some work.

It really is a ride! Not just a roller coaster but the merry go round too (!!), making you dizzy while you're ON the blinking roller coaster. I know time will heal - I can hardly wait.