Finding my way - part 3

[Meghan]

H. just texted to let me know that he's cleared customs. Should be back here around 6. Knowing that has made everything seem very, very real, and I'm freaking out again a bit. I'm really scared to see him.

I can't read any message from him without feeling it's cold and distant. After his funny email - the one that I didn't respond to - he hasn't said much, and certainly nothing joking or funny, so they read to me as being hostile or angry now.

I'm also feeling frightened again that he'll have interpreted my relative silence over the last few weeks as more lack of caring about him or the relationship and an inability to fix the things that are wrong. I know I shouldn't feel this way so I'm trying to distract myself, but easier said than done right now.

I'm unsure if I should be here or not when he gets in. I don't want to seem like I'm just sitting here waiting for him, but going out would give him the opportunity to go out for one of his long walks without telling me.

So, yeah, this is me reading too much into everything again, which is not good. I can't go back to mind reading. It doesn't get me anywhere. I also can't spend all of my time away from home because it feels like we're playing some messed up game of chicken to see who can stay out longer than the other person. I cannot let my life revolve around him and what he might or might not be thinking or doing.