DBing after WAW then reactive EA by me...NO QUIT!

[Joe1981]

You are right again in so many ways. I didn't try to tell her my plan, but I wanted to shift the conversation away from looking back and all of the I'm sorry, I screwed up, I have so much to learn, blah, blah, blah that just sounds weak. I decided to shift onto my front foot and make it clear I wasn't going to just fade away.

Now, I have to make that happen. With quiet strength. I have to stay the course through the worst of what is to come and continue to live the changes I need to make.

For now, my pursuit will consist of gifts to show the understanding of that love language and continuing to do as much as possible around the house (both small and large) to provide love in the form of acts of service.

When I see some positive progress and a warming to the gifts, I will continue some further action, but I have no idea how long that'll be so I just have to stay in for the long haul.

I'm going to call the counselor's office tomorrow to set up an appt. for this week and look into how my insurance can cover it.

Books, I've read 5LL, read DR and will reread it this week, especially the 180s.

Tonight, at home without my family, has been a bad night. I've got all the motivation I could need now.

Thank you for the support and guidance.

[LisaB]

25yearsmlc, I like your caveman theory. Very true and one of the reasons my H ran off. He wanted a nicer "trophy". I wonder if I can improve myself to become a better trophy or if he simply needs a new one. I already look 10x hotter and am working to improve my professional confidence too. But is it possible to change enough to seem like a trophy again when they've lost admiration for you? Any thoughts?

Joe1981, you can do it! And the gifts don't have to cost a lot or be enormous, just little things. Maybe you can combine the acts of service with a gift, like some of the things 25 suggested.

Gift getting isn't really my thing but I know I am just as happy if my H brings me a surprise cup of coffee from the shop or a single flower as I would be if he purchased a gift. It's the thought that counts as they say. Of course when it comes to birthdays etc I would prefer a thoughtful and somewhat expensive gift! Just try to make the daily gifts sweet and thoughtful, don't worry about the prices. It could even be a goofy plastic ring from the toy dispenser at the grocery. Whatever! And yeah you can have your kids do the giving to make it sweet and not too over the top.

Good luck! I'll be watching your situation! Thanks for checking in with me also.
Hugs, Lisa

[Joe1981]

Thanks for checking in Lisa, I think you've answered that question in your post. He's already said that you're hard to replace. Keep taking care of yourself, but it I think the trophy thing will take care of itself.

Thanks for the thoughts on the gifts, many of these are more my financial speed. I know that I'll drive the kids out to her work to bring her a thing or two in the next couple of weeks before school starts. I've got my work cut out for me. A gift a day for a non-gift person is a huge challenge.

[LisaB]

I hear you Joe, I am not a gift person myself. I don't really like getting them or giving them. But I do like giving and getting little gifts, like a cookie or a flower or just something very inexpensive and small.

I'm not really sure about this gift love language thing but could you also give things that are useful like bring her a sandwich for lunch? That way you are not spending money on "useless" junk but more something that will make her happy and be useful at the same time?

Thanks for your comment on the caveman theory and the trophy idea. Interesting, I did not think of it that way at all. I just don't get that comment "you are hard to replace"... then why try? I'm still right here! Sometimes it sounds like I left him!

Hope you're having a good day!
Hugs, LisaB

[Joe1981]

Your ideas on the gifts are fairly in-line with what I was thinking about doing. Make cookies or cupcakes w/ the kids, then take them to her at work. Bring her a large soda on a morning when she doesn't leave early enough to get her own. Have the kids make her something.

He left because he was missing something. I don't know what, but maybe you do. Make yourself awesome so he sees that the thing he was missing will be there if he can get you back.

[Joe1981]

Ok. Failed again. Went small today w/ gifts and she wanted a fuss. I was trying to not do the "try to make up for bday all at once" thing. I should have. She wanted cake and presents. So, tomorrow, cake and presents. A few, and good ones. Help!

[MrBond]

Just stop. I can tell you right now that no matter what you do isn't going to be good enough for her right now. Do what you want to do and planned to do before. Stop being over reactive because she won't be happy with you. Period.

[BigMac]

I fell into the same trap in my failing marriage. Supplicating (giving gifts) does nothing except drive her away. Especially if it is not in response to a positive behavior.

It's a hard lesson to learn.

[Bob1967]

Hell Joe, this is easy. Why are you making it so hard?

Your wife is 32 years old with kids. She's a cakewalk when it comes to birthdays.

The 30's are tough on women so you gotta make her feel beautiful...because she is. She is the most beautiful woman in the world. How many times have you said this?

Take her out and show her off. Don't whine about not having money. This is where you spend it. Consider it an investment in your future. Her birthday is a great excuse to romance the dickens out of her.

So do it.

But do it right. She in her 30's and wondering if this is all her life is going to be. She doesn't want to feel old. Who does?

Taking her out isn't about food, dancing, seeing a play or anything else. It's about how you make her feel when she is with you. If you make her feel young, vibrant and exciting then she'll want to be with again.

For crying out loud--spend the money and make her feel like a princess.

A rose is great. Poems are great.

For a 55 year old woman.

But women their early 30's wants to go out and be shown off. She wants to dress up and wear makeup. Especially if she has kids. She wants to brag to all her girlfriends what you did for her. Give her something to brag about.

You want to do a 180? Start now. Quit analyzing her and take action. Do you think the guy who broke up your marriage walked around wringing his hands wondering what he should do?

NO! He figured out how to steal your wife and he did. That's what creeps like him do.

At least learn from him. And then beat him at his own game. This is your wife. You know the map to her heart. If you don't--learn it.

When a woman says "a trip with them by myself is not the same" she is giving you permission to plan a trip with her.

For the love of God---plan a trip!

Vacations are a GREAT place to lay the ground work for makeup sex and makeup sex means MAKING UP!!!

She's your wife. You can either start planning dates that knock her socks off and plan romantic vacations that remind her what a great team you are..

or...

...you can save your money and see your kids on weekends.

Come on man. I'm rooting for you!

[Joe1981]

Ok, time for a little catch up. Bigmac & MrBond, I've decided that since gifts are her love language and I've ALWAYS been terrible at them, I need to show her that I can speak her love language. To do this, I have to do gifts.
Bob, I don't think she wants to be on a date with me yet.

The problem right now is I'm flailing. I can't connect with a gift. I'm like 0 for 9 years.

Me trying to speak her love language is like trying to ask where the bathroom in Spanish, but actually telling the person they have bad breath.