I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[Maybell]

DB, you need to calm down. Marathon, remember?

Think about what you just said... Not being heard was one of her major complaints about you. Now, consider ALL your actions in the last 2-3 months.

What evidence have you given that you do hear her now?

What can you do going forward to show you hear her now?

Your opportunities will be few for a while. Practice really listening to others and see what you learn.

I'm glad you had that good exchange. Bask in it a bit. You're getting great advice here.

[MrBond]

"She's so "sane and classy" (and proud and stubborn)"

Again this shows that you haven't learned anything. It's not "stubborn" of her to not want to be with someone who cheated on her. From your attitude, I don't think you would have been "forgiving" of her if she cheated on you.

"Not being heard was a major complaint of hers about me."

And you're still not listening. She wants to be alone but you won't let her.

BTW, you have to start a new thread.

[DBinSF]

Yes, I remember it's a marathon. I also know I don't have YEARS to work this out. I'm just so used to messing things up that I get a little paranoid when I do ANYTHING. Well, anything related to this woman. I'm having vivid dreams about her, and I'm paranoid about her "timeline" to get married and have kids. I know this is "Selfish DBinSF" talking, but it's hard to deny what I'm feeling.

I just want to make sure I am hearing her and validating her in every interaction we have. I want her to smile and say, "Wow, it feels good to be validated and heard at last."

I know you all know what I mean. I'd love to see her shine again.

[DBinSF]

I have to start a new thread?

[MrBond]

"I also know I don't have YEARS to work this out."

Why not? If you love her so much, then there is no timeline.

"I just want to make sure I am hearing her and validating her in every interaction we have. I want her to smile and say, "Wow, it feels good to be validated and heard at last. I know you all know what I mean. I'd love to see her shine again.""

What do you mean ""I" want to make sure" and ""I" want her to smile..." and ""I'd love to see her shine again"?

You're just thinking again about what YOU want and not her.

[DBinSF]

Hmmmmm... She's TOLD me she wants to be heard and validated by me. And EVERYONE wants to shine. These are universal things, no?

She said in her birthday message that she hopes I come to understand how much this has hurt her. Does it not make sense to honor that and validate it?

I'm not getting what I'm missing here. I'm a little dense -- as you all know.

[Wonka]

DB,

You don't want to come onto W gangbusters and smothering her with YOUR emotions, YOUR words, and YOUR pain. Shut it. Leave it be for it is a natural flow that should occur organically...not forced.

This is a genuine show of respect for W by giving her space to process her emotions and pain. Trust me...there will be a time for you to show intent to make sincere amends with W. Now is not the time because she's very, very emotionally raw with having her dreams dashed, feeling less than a woman because YOU aren't satisfied with her sexually, and discovering that the man of her dreams cannot be trusted at all.

How's that working for you?

Back off. Work on YOU. What are your plans for this week/weekend?

[DBinSF]

This werk I am flying to Philly for my MBA classes. This weekend I was in Oregon for a teen conference with Alanon/Alateen.

And in the mean time I'm trying not to spin out about her

[DBinSF]

Maybell, you asked "What can you do to show you hear her now!"

That's exactly what I'm asking here. She said so many things in that message that I didn't address. I didn't "hold" her in anyway. I didn't "honor" or recognize her pain. Shouldn't I have done that? Isn't that doing something to show her I hear her?

Edward

[DBinSF]

Ok, I'm not sending this, but I need to park it somewhere. If I do send it at some point, this would be the 1-2 week later message Wonka suggested. If anyone wants to pick it apart as a learning exercise, I'd be open to (and grateful for) that:

=========================
Julia,

I'm back from my whirlwind long weekend to Oregon. I so wish I had that program when I was a teen. Some of them are so wise and self aware at such a tender, young age. Sigh...

I wanted to respond to your extremely vulnerable and open note with more thoughtfulness now that I've had more time to think about it. First, I wanted to thank you for your ability to have so much compassion and generosity. You never cease to amaze me with your willingness to show up, have empathy, and let go of your anger.

Second, I just wanted to say that I hear and honor the pain and confusion you've been through these last few months, and I take full responsibility for it. I apologize both for my actions during our relationship, and for my selfish inability to let go and leave you alone in the months after our break-up. I know this isn't the place you wanted to be in, and I'm very, very sorry.

Just remember you are the most wonderful woman I've every known, and I'm sure you will be happy, joyous, and free again once you are through this.

Warmly,