Hi Heather, If you want to hear something kinda sick, my W, when she has heard those type of things said, uses it for justification for leaving her M. She figures that if I'm not around to blame for her being unhappy, then she will only have herself to blame for it. Instead of her thinking that blaming me is just wrong headed, she thinks "Well, I'll be on my own and there won't be anyone else around so I won't be able to say it's someone else's fault". It's like she has invested so much into my being the cause of her problems it's easier to just run away then to stop and change that way of thinking. Of course the problem there is she will still find a way to either keep blaming me or find new people or things as her reason.
It's the easy way. The cowards way. The selfish way. Run away from the people and things that you have used to justify your lack of joy. If things change than you were right all along and you don't have to face that you were at all at fault. It's like just after B-day when my W's "friends" were saying that if she's sure that she wants to leave her M then she needs to "be strong" and do it. Well, no. What they were actually saying was "Be weak", don't try and fix the mess you made, take the easy way and run away! Like her father saying that hiding money was "empowering" in some way.
My W has said that she needs to leave so she can "find my joy". What she is doing is hurting so many people, ruining lives, causing so much pain to her own kids. If, by destroying her family and causing so many innocents so much hurt, she is able to find that joy, how can she truly enjoy it knowing that the cost was paid by so many people that loved and trusted and counted on her? To me it would be like foreclosing on her own kids so she can have the nice big house they worked hard to get. How could you enjoy living there knowing that you hurt someone else, someone who loved and trusted you totally, so badly to get it cheap?
We hear that sermon you talked about and we hear that it is our responsibility to do the work, to be disciplined and if we are blaming someone or something else, to stop and do the hard work. The MLCer hears it and thinks "Once I get rid of the cause of all my pain, I'll be sure to do just that in the future". My W wants "ownership of her life", she has said as much. But for her the only to get that is to run away from her current life completely and start over. The idea of doing the work needed to repair the damage she herself caused is too much, too daunting to consider. It doesn't matter who else gets hurt or how much more damage she causes anyone else as long as she can just be rid of the past and try again. No icky looking at what she may have done to cause her pain or the breakdown of the M. Like she said about how what she is doing will hurt the girls.."We all hurt our kids, they'll get over it". It may take years and so much pain but hey, at least SHE won't have to do any work!
Sorry to hijack but as I was reading something just like that sermon this weekend, this is what came to mind.
