It's a moment of weakness. I woke up and it began with one negative thought that spiraled. I did surrender to prayer and yes it helped. So, thank you!
I feel like he's leaving me in the dark. What am I saying...of course he is! I made it very clear to him that I will not tolerate infidelity in our M. If I did find evidence it would relieve the burden of failure on my part. Wow, what an interesting way to view infidelity. So if he had an affair, you did nothing wrong and made no mistakes in the marriage?
In sum, it'd mean it's all him, AND You were a perfect wife, (whom he inexplicably left for OW?)?
Is this^^ something you still believe? Dig deep...
Then I can prepare myself mentally and decide if I want to continue fighting or if it's time to throw in the towel. No, I would not be happy about it. It would be devastating. Except, now the truth is out. It will provide some kind of closure. Of course, [b]my staying would greatly depend on how willing he is to work on things. [/b]
IF he is having an affair currently, there's little chance he'll SAY or KNOW that he wants to work on the m b/c he's too busy justifying the A and your anger is fueling his reasons (which is why showing the WAS anger, does NOT HELP YOU).
You have to BE the better choice, and that's much easier if you do NOT snoop, so you can stay focussed on yourself.
IN fact, the single biggest reason I advise against snooping (and so does DB), is b/c it would take my focus off of MY own work and MY ISSUES, which are my responsibility.
I fear I'd just be blaming my h or OW instead of working on me.
I've read many success stories from marriages that have survived affairs. While I'm hopeful for those, it would take a miracle or a sincere effort on his part to keep me from leaving. I've lived that part in my first and second marriage and have watched my mom go through it. It's no picnic and I will not put my kids through that again.
I'm confused. THIS^^ is different from what you said just before. Be very clear with yourself on this issue and whether you'd entertain the idea of trying to work thru it, or not, or what your timing on that would be etc.
IF you KNOW w/100% certainty that him having an Affair would mean it's over for you, for good, and you'd file for divorce for sure -then maybe you should snoop away and if you can verify, you are done. NO saving this marriage...no working on forgiveness, etc.
FWIW, I do not sense certainty in you about this, at all as you admit others have successfully stayed married after an A, but then you say you won't put your kids "thru that again"...thru WHAT again? Another divorce or seeing forgiveness or what?
But here are some questions you may want to ask yourself....
Since this would be at least the 2nd time you have married a man who was unfaithful to you (and b/c you were also unfaithful earlier),
then what have YOU learned about yourself OR changed in yourself?
How was marriage modeled for you, growing up?
How was forgiveness shown in your family? How are YOU at forgiving others,
and how are you at asking for forgiveness?
What kind of legacy do you want to leave your kids?
Hang in there, we are all rooting for you.
25,thank you for your response and verbal prodding.
Wow, what an interesting way to view infidelity. So if he had an affair, you did nothing wrong and made no mistakes in the marriage? In sum, it'd mean it's all him, AND You were a perfect wife, (whom he inexplicably left for OW?)? Is this^^ something you still believe? Dig deep...
-I accept my part in the deteriotion oh my M. All my self-protective stance that I adopted from previous hurts/disappointments was perpetuating the same negative patterns in my M. I didn't know. I did the best with what I knew at the time and it wasn't much compared to now. It's a shameful thing to admit that even when we think we're acting out of other's best interest that we're really just looking out for number 1.
I guess my question is: does he have to justify it with an A? It seems so cowardly to me. Looking back now I realize that's what I did when I had an A. My H then had an A so I justified his A with my A. And then I married the guy I had an A with. Some crazy, immature sh!t back then but I regret it. I regret my foolish actions. I regret the hurt I caused. I could never do that again nor put anyone through that kind of pain.
IF he is having an affair currently, there's little chance he'll SAY or KNOW that he wants to work on the m b/c he's too busy justifying the A and your anger is fueling his reasons (which is why showing the WAS anger, does NOT HELP YOU).
You have to BE the better choice, and that's much easier if you do NOT snoop, so you can stay focussed on yourself.
IN fact, the single biggest reason I advise against snooping (and so does DB), is b/c it would take my focus off of MY own work and MY ISSUES, which are my responsibility.
I fear I'd just be blaming my h or OW instead of working on me. I'm confused. THIS^^ is different from what you said just before. Be very clear with yourself on this issue and whether you'd entertain the idea of trying to work thru it, or not, or what your timing on that would be etc.
IF you KNOW w/100% certainty that him having an Affair would mean it's over for you, for good, and you'd file for divorce for sure -then maybe you should snoop away and if you can verify, you are done. NO saving this marriage...no working on forgiveness, etc.
FWIW, I do not sense certainty in you about this, at all as you admit others have successfully stayed married after an A, but then you say you won't put your kids "thru that again"...thru WHAT again? Another divorce or seeing forgiveness or what?
I have been on the fence. There are days that I'm certain that I want to save it regardless of what he does but then there are days when I don't. I'm not sure how I'll feel once I discover an A. Devastated for sure but what will i do about it? What if he doesn't want to end it and is professing his undying love for the OW? I don't know if I will have it in me to endure to the end.
I think this is where I'm stuck. I feel the need to apply conditions for wanting to save it and I'm not sure if that's setting a healthy boundary or if I'm reverting to a self-protective stance. I don't want to lose my M but I don't think I can sit around and wait for my H to see his A through before he decides he wants to come home. Is this selfish thinking?
But here are some questions you may want to ask yourself....
Since this would be at least the 2nd time you have married a man who was unfaithful to you (and b/c you were also unfaithful earlier),
then what have YOU learned about yourself OR changed in yourself?
I've learned that A are no playing matter. That's some serious sin that I don't ever want to be entangled in ever again. It was the most selfish thing I've ever done and I wish I could take it back. I understand now why M is so sacred in the eyes of God and why it's important to protect it. I've done a really poor job and I can't take back the things I did that contributed to this point but I know what I can do differently.
How was marriage modeled for you, growing up? Very poorly. I have had at least three stepdads of which two had an A and my mom walked away from the M. While I don't want to be like her and just give up, I truly don't know if I have what it takes to walk through it. I have never had to harness that kind of courage and I'm not sure if I'll have it until I'm there.
How was forgivenesths shown in your family? How are YOU at forgiving others, Again, poorly. We don't or have never had to ask for forgiveness in our family. This wasn't a thing my mother taught us. We were taught not to mess up so there wouldn't be a need to forgive. If we did mess up then we were expected to know and realize the burden on those mistakes on our own...it was never brought up again.
and how are you at asking for forgiveness?
Probably not as good as I could be. I realize that forgiveness is part of a skillset that must be learned. The learning part however, is what's hard. I fall off...a lot. I want to forgive and do my best to forgive those who have hurt me but I've never learned how to heal from them. I'm okay until I get triggered and then all the emotions that come with past hurts and disappointments resurface and I become even more guarded.
What kind of legacy do you want to leave your kids?
Definitely not one of D. I want to break that cycle but I feel hopeless in doing so in my current stitch. It's like all I can focus on in my mind is him saying "Oh finally! Now, that I'm walking out the door are you getting it and wanting to make changes to save the M?" That's what I would be thinking if the situation were reverse. It's ruthless.
Hang in there, we are all rooting for you.
Thank you! It helps a lot to hear that. I know I will have many more moments like this. Yay. I also know that it may take a lot longer than I'd like to undo and redo what's taken 33 years (of negative patterns) to develop.
I also know that it may take a lot longer than I'd like to undo and redo what's taken 33 years (of negative patterns) to develop. 
