I'm glad you guys are keeping things calm and civil, especially around the kids. Just an immediate pointer (that I think you already know):
That's THREE TIMES in just one week where she called, and you immediately responded -- including an "can we R talk?" request. It's important for you to NOT be at her beckon call during this stage! Mix it up -- respond occasionally, especially if it's a "me and the kids are doing ______, would you like to join us?" thing. But to her first "can we talk?" you should have replied "Not a good time; how about (and then suggest day after tomorrow)?" You are busy GALing, and not waiting around for her . . . remember?
Also, this is several times now that your wife has indicated that she's afraid you're going to "lord it (her affair) over her" if she returns to the marriage. Somehow, you have got to simultaneously continue to enforce your strong boundaries about being in a marriage where she is in contact with another man and then lying about it, WHILE communicating a CREDIBLE stance of "I can forgive your affair, if only you would end it -- now -- and come back and work on the marriage with me."
Right now, I see a woman whose OM is Plan A, and who is trying to keep her husband placated as her Plan B.
Finally, when she brings up her being angry that "NOW you make these changes!" . . . OWN THAT CHIT. "I know, I understand -- it shouldn't have taken the threat of a divorce for me to hear you, and to make some of the changes I know I need to make. All I can tell you is I GET IT, and I HEAR you, and at this point I'm making these changes for ME because I know there are things I need to work on in my next relationship. I HOPE that's with you, in some sort of brand-new marriage, but I'm intent on doing this regardless."
Or something like that, or even much shorter.
I can't stress to you enough, at this stage your wife needs to feel like she's losing you as her fallback position. She needs to feel a sense of "Oh crap, I've gone too far, Sho is NOT on board with this anymore, and he even seems to be capable of being the kind of husband I've been wanting, but he is NOT going to hang around forever while I figure this stuff out."
I don't see her feeling AT ALL that she may lose you. Now, she may not CARE if she does -- that's all going to depend on what kind of husband you were before, what kind of shared history you two legitimately have, and what her reaction is to everything you did for that 6-7 weeks during your "Show her a Better Sho" phase. But it's also your only shot.
