Staying with my brother and SIL and their three kids with my kiddos. My brother's house is very resort-like and they invited me here to recharge before the summer.
About two hours in to my fourteen hour drive I realized that I hadn't thought do anything but H during the entire drive. So I started really working at changing the direction of my thoughts. And then I realized... I've been living way too much of my life that way. Not just since BD, but for years.
Yeah, that realization lasted a day.
My mom is really frustrated with me. She thinks I'm letting him mistreat me. I can't even say his name without her snorting and making noises that he can do no right. I don't blame her for being angry, but if my daughter were as clear with me about what support she wanted from me I'd do my best to provide it. She thinks he hasn't done enough to get to know them, even though they NEVER call him and she complains about how much I brought him around when we were dating. She's mad he hasn't called to apologize to her!! So... I'm going to have to make her angrier and stop relying on her support. She makes me feel worse and telling her anything makes her angrier with him and I wish I had never told her anything. Which will upset her when she realizes she's been cut out, because she wants me to feel free to share. So that's my big drama.
I was a little down today because H went to the house to bring in the mail and sent all these texts telling me he was collecting supplies to hang art, etc. at his apartment. I'm thinking, though, that's not a reason to be upset. If he's willing to break the lease to reconcile, as he said when he got the place, then a few holes in the walls won't stop him. Part of me also thinks he did it today because there wasn't much else to do. So the sooner he runs out of ways to kill time the sooner he's going to have to start paying attention to his share of this mess.
My SIL is lovely. She's disgusted with the way he's left me holding the bag but supportive of the idea of repairing the marriage. Because she listened supportively I was able to remember I'm in the middle stretch of the marathon. Now I'm out of the opening scrum, I can stretch my legs and let my arms swing, pay attention to the music and plan my rest stops.
Labug, this is where reading your threads is going to really help me.
So, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead... But I'm not dead yet!!
Last edited by Maybell; 08/04/1402:28 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Meghan, I think my thread is about to lock so I'll answer you here.
I've been quite clear with my mother about what, how, and why I'm trying to fix my marriage. But I've also been really hurt and emotional and all she sees is the hurt. She thinks in terms of black and white so if someone does a bad thing they are a bad person. She has burnt a lot of bridges that way and until this past January I knew to not ask her advice, because it is invariably "cut them off." She is a conflict avoider par excellence. Also, she takes EVERYTHING really personally. (One of my other SILs once said she'd rather go shooting with the guys than shopping with the ladies and my mother locked herself in the closet to sob and I had to calm her down and coax her out.)
Sometimes, though, you just want your mom and when things got really grim I turned to her. Big mistake.
So I need to reboot for this long-haul stage of our separation and part of that will be dramatically reducing the amount I lean on my mother.
Also, I'm looking for inputs here, especially from dads...
I've seen that a lot of you have arrangements that the absent parent at least comes by to tuck the kids in from time to time during midweek. My H doesn't do that. Our agreement is that he has the kids every other weekend and as he's able during the week every week. He hasn't yet taken them midweek at all. There was talk of the five of us having dinner last Thursday before I brought them down here but he had to go out of town so it didn't happen. He doesn't call or text them every day either, and S8 especially gets upset by this. How much is reasonable to expect him to participate with the kids? I'm trying to avoid needling him -- my two older kids have the means to chase him down on their own but only D11 does very much; S8 wants more and so he rarely does. He doesn't want to chat on the phone, he wants to be with his dad. S6 does even less.
Sometimes I think H doesn't realize how important he is to us. Sometimes I think he does but that we don't refresh him so he avoids. I don't know what to do to get my kids' need for their dad met while balancing everything else we're trying to accomplish.
What if I sent him a text this morning saying "Kids were disappointed not to hear from you yesterday." ?? I feel it's his responsibility to maintain his relationship with them, not theirs to pursue it or mine to remind him. But I don't want my kids hurting.
Last edited by Maybell; 08/04/1411:51 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Sometimes I think H doesn't realize how important he is to us.
Hey Maybell, the above really caught my eye because at times I feel the same way about my WAW. Our kids and the animals have always meant the world to her. I can only imagine the pain/confusion, etc that she must be going through right now to not be with them 24/7. So although your H's actions (or lack of) may say one thing, you have to imagine the internal struggle he must feel inside.
I would advise against the text because to me it comes across as pressure or controlling. My W will pick our 3 kids up a day or two midweek, then at some point during the weekend. From day 1, I've told them that if they want to call either of us, they can. If they don't want to stay with W at her friend's or with me at the house, they don't have to. I would encourage your kids to give H a call if they want to speak with him. Let H feel what he's missing out on as opposed to you forcing it upon him.
Big backslide. S8 sent H a text today saying "I don't like to talk" so H sent me a text asking what was up. I sent him one that said:
They were disappointed not to hear from you last night. I didn't realize d wasn't connected to the wifi till this morning. He misses you but talking on the phone isn't enough for him. I think that's him being defensive. He's in a terrible mood today and not doing a good job of being around people.
He apologized and said he got sidetracked and what should he do for S8. I sent this:
I don't think it's my place to chase your relationship with them down. When you had them I asked in advance when it would be convenient for me to call so I would be sure to get time with them. If you want to connect with Duncan then you should communicate with him. Don't want to run his relationship with you into the ground as I did for myself.
He said "don't be like that..." And I said I can't talk to you, I'm too frustrated. He asked why and I said
I'm hurt because I don't understand why we're apart and sometimes it hits me really hard. I'm angry that you haven't taken a single weeknight with the kids since you've been gone. I'm frustrated that you spend that little time connecting with them but then you act like I'm a micromanager. I feel like you've put me in an impossible situation and all I wanted was to have the sort of relationship we had before you did the MBA.
He said we'll go to lunch or dinner when he gets back to discuss.
I'm stupid but I just got hit in the heart with a brick wall of hurt and frustration. I really DON'T understand why we're apart and I'm sick of the hurt and uncertainty. And I'm sick of putting on the strong face.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
