The anniversary went ok. I had some friends over to spend time with the kids and I. I didn't attempt any contact, nor did WAW. She spoke to my kids a few times. WAW knew I had friends over because D8 told her while talking, so at least she knows that I wasn't just sitting around feeling down. I can't read minds, but I know that to some degree it affects her knowing that I have made it a point to GAL.
At the point I am at now, I have uncertainty as to what direction my marriage is going to go. I have made a decision that if there is another man, I am going to move on. I love my family and I love my WAW, but I will not allow myself to go back to a marriage where there has been infidelity. I know with my WAWs past it's a strong possibility, and I am holding out hope and praying that she doesn't put herself in that position.
In the meantime, being the strong man of faith and source of strength is what I need to be successful and what my kids need to see from me. I am just going to continue to detach, use the 37 steps towards her, and trust that God will do the rest. Whatever she does is on her. Her lease is up in October so she is going to have to begin to decide what step to take. I am beginning to sense a bit of anxiety about that date and I am sure that she is as well. If the thought of October, upcoming holidays etc. doesn't bring her any anxiety then she really is in a fog.
Early on in our separation, she would often mention that she was lost, confused, and broken, and while my marriage did contribute to some of that, I know that her past also affected her perception of marriage. I read something not too long ago that spoke on women that have been molested/raped/abused have a difficult time accepting love/stability and feel more comfort in rejection/fear because that is an emotion that is familiar. Often times people with these pasts sabotage their relationships because of this.
It's an unfortunate thing because I am confident that I have been a good man (with flaws of course), but I can't rescue her or control anything anymore with her. I set healthy boundaries as a husband that she didn't really respect. When I stopped feeling respect, I stopped truly listening to her love languages and it went a difficult direction.
I'm at a comfortable point now where I am just going to GAL and she will look back at me and see strength and stability and have to decide if that is what she wants or not. I am going to focus on not giving any reasons why not to return, as that only adds fuel to her self fulfilling prophecy as why she wants to leave.
She promised my daughter yesterday on the phone that she was going to try to work things out with her and I and I'm prayful that she means it. In the meantime, my D and S are getting an outpouring of love from me so that they feel secure knowing that they have a father that loves and respects them.
