WAH & MLC? - EA/PA - Please Help

[Zues126]

Thanks for reading my thread and post. I don't know for sure what your H's biggest issues were, but based on what he's told you and is doing with his time it seems like it was sex/attention/excitement. This is so standard I'm mad they don't teach it in school. It played a big part in my R's breakdown.

Be careful not to dismiss his feelings. When you say "I was at the hospital with a sick baby" you are absolutely right- logically. But emotionally he was probably feeling not only hurt, rejected, and frustrated (which are a BIG deal). But also misunderstood that you didn't validate those feelings. Unimportant because he came last after everything else. And scared that he would continue to feel that way for years.

What I wish my wife had understood is how to validate my feelings about this. If she understood how big of a priority it was to me then even when she truly couldn't make that possible (which I hope was a true exception not a habit), instead of rolling her eyes and saying "how could you expect sex right now" (dismissive), instead came to me and said something like":

"Honey, I'm so sorry. I love you and I know how much you need me, and I'd like nothing more than to make that possible. Right now I just can't because of the situation. I want you to know that I understand how you feel and you're my man so that matters to me. Trust me, one of the reasons I'm trying to get this handled so quickly is because I want to be close with you again. And if you can be patient I'll make sure to make it up to you (WINK)". And then if she backed it up with a great evening some other time...well, I don't think I would've had ANY problem without sex for a few weeks here and there.

Needless to say she not only rolled her eyes at me, but as I grew resentful then condemned me for the way I 'acted out' and used that as further proof that I had problems, not her.

Now, she was absolutely right about the fact that I behaved TERRIBLY. I have no excuse. And I also know I caused her tremendous pain with my actions as your H is causing you.

As for the comment "why would I want to be with someone so shallow". First, rejecting a man for being open about his sexuality seems equally shallow. But more importantly, take that as a BILLBOARD as to what he wants. He loves you and wants you to understand him, validate him, and make him and his needs more of a priority.

Clearly if he doesn't change to an extent you can't make it work, no one is questioning that. But the DB method is about changing yourself to see if it will lead to a healthier M. AND you aren't a genie. So you can't give him everything he wants and needs. But if you understand/validate his needs, change to the extent that's possible, and explain reality to him in a more affirming way as I did above...well, I'd say that's a woman only a fool would leave.

How do you demonstrate this growth while maintaining boundaries, avoiding pursuing behavior, and detaching/GAL? No clue. DB coach or vets?

HINT- may be a good idea to reread my post, it is probably parallel. And I was in the same spot...I couldn't tell my wife I quit porn as that is pursuing and crosses our current boundaries, but how else could I demonstrate that important change? One that might keep us apart if I don't tell her? DB coach told me that I could do it by doing 180's on all the things porn represents. In particular, treat my W and daughters with respect, validate their opinions, compliment them on things other than their looks, etc. She said the change would come through. Wonder what the parallel is there?

Take care Sam!