Living the dream...one day at a time

[wishing, hoping]

I remember when I found out about OW, J made a million excuses about how he never meant for it to happen...typical excuses. But he said something that got my attention: he said in all the craziness and all the crap and bad things that happened in the year 2011, he desperately needed to find some happiness to sort out the mess that was going on in his head. I don't think he even realized what he said to me. There was an aha moment for me, but not for him.

J's childhood was horrible too. Lots of dysfunction and drama. Put together a narcissistic, entitled mother and an alcoholic deadbeat father and you get J. His life has been one drama after another. His oldest aunt on his mom's side told me she thinks that when his mom's health hit the skids and his favorite aunt passed away he was pulled back into his past and all the memories came flooding back. She told me "WH, my childhood was not the best, and Lord knows J's childhood was not the best either. When my sister(J's mom) got sick and my other sister died, I felt myself getting pulled back into those memories and those horrible years. I had to fight to remember who I was and to finally put those feelings to rest". She guessed J wasn't able to fight those emotions he supressed for so long.

Maybe taking care of OW he feels is a replacement for taking care of his mom? And he blames me for his mom being in the position she's in. But of course, that's ridiculous. It has nothing to do with me.

I knew J was going to blow long before he did. I saw it coming. Like a train wreck, but unable to stop the wreckage. Just shield yourself and hope you don't get hit with the shrapnel and of course I did. I thought J was going to have a breakdown and of course he did. But not according to him. According to him he just could not take any more abuse from me. He had to get out of a miserable existence.

And of course to him everything is fine. Kids are from a broken home, have to endure OW and her baggage, their mom is pushed out of the only home they know, etc. But everything else is business as usual. Minus one woman and insert the next. I guess to him I was just a number. Replaceable.

But I am fine. Better than before but I HATE not seeing the kids every day. J may be fine with it, but I'm not. It's not so terrible if I at least get to see them but if I go a few days without seeing them I get the shakes. But I still would rather live in a hostel than spend 10 minutes in that house with J again. So many people have told me that even though my place is smaller, it's much better than the house because my place is warm and I inviting and full of love. The house is just a house. D's friend told me last night how she loved my house and how it looked like it was right out of a magazine. Lol! So sweet.

Kids and I are hitting the state fair tomorrow. Looking forward to it. Cream puffs, pig races, giant slide, lemonade...doesn't get better than that!!!!! And 25 cent milk!

WH