Are you honestly surprised by this? From what I've read she has made the right choice. All the advise you were given by some pretty knowledgeable people on here that you failed to implement. You were given the tools you needed to have a really good chance to save your M, its just a shame you never put in any real work.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
yeah its true i blame no one but myself. To be honest i guess all the lifelines have been used. And im sure even if there any ways to make it work none of you guys would be willing to help me right?
I shouldve listen.. we only had a break for 3 days.. i guess i shouldn't have moved back in so fast and remained the same. I wish someone could help me.. please?
1Wish, I can tell you are struggling, and I know that is hard.
Why do you want to be with her? What do you love about her? How long did you date before you got married?
Have you read anything about the normal cycle of healthy relationships? That early 'infatuation' period (you know, where you eat and breathe the other person, and they are perfect, and you dream about your perfect life together) DOES NOT LAST. Even in healthy relationships. Conflict is NORMAL and HEALTHY in any relationship. The difference is how you HANDLE the conflict. And you do not have skills to handle conflict well. The good news is that is something you can LEARN how to do.
Here's the thing that you need to dig deep and think about: In a marriage, both people have the right to be INDIVIDUALS with individual interests and activities. Your W does not exist only to make you happy, or to be exactly the person YOU want her to be. She gets to be her own person. How do you feel about that? How can you respond if she feels or wants to do something differently from you?
You are both so young-- still adolescents, and from the actions you've described, BOTH of you are still trying to figure out who you are-- which is a NORMAL part of adolescence, and can last until you are in your mid-20s, or more!
She makes some VERY valid points for a 21 year old girl. If she was MY daughter, and she felt that way, and her husband had treated her like you did, I would advise her to do exactly what she says she wants and needs to do-- figure out who she is.
The loving thing is probably to let her go for a while. And work on becoming the best person YOU can be. She may come back to you... and even if she doesn't, isn't it worth becoming someone who can be a loving partner in a healthy relationship next time?
@ claire - i want to be with her because i love her and see a future with her. I expected to be married only once and only to her.
I love the way she looks after me, she cooks all the food i love and she has sacrificed a lot for me through the time we been together.
We dated for around 3.5 yrs before marriage.
She says our whole relationship from the start was just about sex.. how i didnt be a boyfriend or anything it was all about the sex to me.. but thats not true.. why would i marry her?
I loved her for who she was, what she did for me, how much memories we shared, her character and banter.
I love the way she looks after me, she cooks all the food i love and she has sacrificed a lot for me through the time we been together.
Maybe she wants someone who can get to know her-- her hopes and dreams-- and wants to be her partner rather than treat her like a housekeeper? What have you sacrificed for her?
Ive always tried pushing her to achieve something in life. Ive always tried to be there when she needed me, ive always wanted the best for her and just wanted to be the man that could take care for her. Someone that she can look up to and be proud someone that makes her happy and has an understanding. But i also feel that cause she went behind my back and lied about everything until i showed her hard evidence.. she did not admit and feel like theres more untold. And thay affects me so much and i wish it didnt. I wish i was able to loose all my insecurity and my way of thinkin but i tried and its very difficult
Listen very carefully because you don't seem to want to listen to anyone but the sound of your own voice.
"Ok so i spoke to her about it again."
Why can't you just let it go? You have absolutely NO patience. You should have just let things grow naturally rather than push and force her to "see" things the way YOU want.
" And she says its never going to work"
She's right because you won't change.
"how can i have a relationship with her.. where i let go and forgive her of the betrayal and let her do what she wants."
Really? There was NO BETRAYAL. You can't seem to get that through your head. She couldn't talk to you about your relationship so she turned to get advice from another guy. She wasn't going out with him. There's nothing for you to forgive. You just keep coming off like an @$$hole because you don't seem to get it.
"We dont have mutual respect"
You don't respect her so why should she respect you? You called her a "slut" and condemned her guy friend. You don't respect her at all. It's not because of religion or upbringing, or whatever. You CHOOSE TO BE AN EGOTISTICAL, SEXIST @$$HOLE. Period.
"We dont have communication its become so awkward every since the d talk in march"
That's from you.
"we have different goals in life"
You EXPECT her to do what you want to do. That's not what a M is all about. You have two different people who are going to have their own opinions. You have to learn to compromise on them. You don't seem to want to and just want to do things YOUR WAY.
"We are from two complete different backgrounds Different areas"
This has nothing to do with your situation. It doesn't matter how different your backgrounds are. What matters is your UNDERSTANDING of each other.
"we are growing up differently.. she feels that shes changed as a person and does not want any of this anymore"
She has changed. And for the better. You refuse to. You said you read DB which teaches that change in yourself is the number one thing you need to do. Despite you claiming over and over again that you've changed, NO ONE has seen that from you.
"She says she has different ambitions in life and hopes to achieve them. She says that she cant do em with me."
And she's right because you don't want her to change. You called her slutty just because she wants to wear shorts. She knows you're going to demean her when she starts going after her own dreams. You condemn her rather than supporting her.
"She says that even if she and i got over her speaking to the guy and me neglecting her. What do we fall back on.. theres no understanding.. we are two very different people."
Because you don't want to change and grow up.
"She just wants to be happy and feels i restrict her."
She's right.
"She doesnt know who she is.. shes done everything for me and feels that she lost herself in the process and wants to go out and find what she likes and what she dont.. see whats out there.. its a big world and she jus wants to travel and help people."
That's VERY commendable of her and mature.
"i blame no one but myself. To be honest i guess all the lifelines have been used. And im sure even if there any ways to make it work none of you guys would be willing to help me right?"
Why should we? You don't want to change or listen. There are definitely ways to save it, but you don't seem to want to do any of them because you're a little boy who wants to do what he wants to do and not listen to anyone else. This "woe is me" attitude of yours is pathetic.
"I shouldve listen.. we only had a break for 3 days.. i guess i shouldn't have moved back in so fast and remained the same. I wish someone could help me.. please?"
Again, why should we? You haven't deserved it. I and others told you NOT to move back in and that you needed to grow up and change first. But you didn't listen and instead insulted all of our wives and females who wear shorts by saying they are all slutty. Why should we help someone like that?
"she has sacrificed a lot for me through the time we been together."
And you haven't.
"how i didnt be a boyfriend or anything it was all about the sex to me.. but thats not true.. why would i marry her?"
Because she gave you sex when you wanted it and didn't have to give her anything back in return. Now that she's grown and found out that you've used her, she wants out.
So why are you here? We can tell you that you can definitely save your M, but it will require work from you which you don't want to do. So why are you here?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
yeah its true i blame no one but myself. To be honest i guess all the lifelines have been used. And im sure even if there any ways to make it work none of you guys would be willing to help me right?