DBing after WAW then reactive EA by me...NO QUIT!

[25yearsmlc]

She is giving you a chance and that's great.

But stop making promises about what you are going to do. Just do it.

Seriously you are setting yourself up by creating huge expectations of an overnight change in you that is actually going to take TIME.

And as you say yourself, talk is cheap. And tooting your horn about whatever you actually do, negates a lot of it. So just "DO IT" and say nothing about "IT".

Plus you are going to need feedback from her to guide you along. So she will have some accountability there, b/c you are not a mind reader.

So, BE the change you want to see and make sure you see a counselor or therapist for suggestions and how to read your w.

Usually if you accept a diagnosis of depression or anxiety, or "adjustment disorder" (??), your health insurance should get you a lot more than 4 appointments. Like 20 I think.

Look into it and keep posting here. You now have only one thread, right?

Okay, so there IS hope and you are now awake.

So those "rules" (which are guidelines and which do not ALL apply to every situation but give us a ballpark area to work on)

help you. But don't use confusion as an excuse for paralysis. The "do not pursue" is NOT applicable to your situation.

Do you see why? She wants action and leadership from you.

My "caveman" theory is based on a survey that revealed the 2 things mates most valued in their spouses.

Men valued most "attraction" to their wives (trophy value and sexual attraction is what the anthropologists said it meant, a superior mate for children too) and the #2 thing was "peace at home" which I interpreted as no nagging. The experts said men want to be admired in their marriages. I believe that.

So the survey revealed this about what 2 traits people MOST valued in their mates.

Women most valued in their h's, 1) Security (financial, physical & emotional). We want to feel protected, and a man who is a good provider is also very attractive. That's especially so when there are children. We need to know that there will be a roof over our baby's head and food on the table, AND that our h's are not gambling away the money, or spending it on OWs. We need to know that our men take care of their bodies in part to keep US safe, we need to know that our man will stop a bad guy from hurting us, and that helps us feel secure.

Secondly women valued "Fidelity" - and that is self explanatory.

Now, on the security level, you have to wonder how safe your wife felt with you. You were "inert"?? Super inactive, so I think she did not feel safe with you. Money was an issue, still is, and you were not taking care of your body, or her, and so I"m not sure what she thought. MAYBE down the road you can probe that area.

I DO get the feeling you would go investigate the scary noise downstairs at night, but there are other ways for a woman to feel unprotected.

Like not standing up for her with your family, that is huge one, or like being bad with money, (not that you are, just a comment) and or like being unhealthy with too much weight

which MIGHT make her feel that you are not valuing yourself enough to take care of yourself, and so she'll be a widow early.... and maybe there is some truth there, but bottom line is a weight gain of 50-100 lbs is a lot to overlook.

My "caveman" theory is that at some level we feel, down deep and maybe at a biological level, that when the man goes out of the cave - the woman stays behind with the baby, (the baby that is unquestionably the man's child)

and the man expects that baby to be cared for while he's gone,

and the fires should still be going, kindling gathered, and

the Woman expects the man to bring back some meat or at least berries, and he needs to come back on time, or she'll worry, and if the saber toothed tiger comes back, the woman protects the child and backs up her h, but HE fights the tiger if he is there. Helps her feel safe and provided for.

I think women DO want to be provided for and protected - and men Do want to be admired and seen as having a "hot" mate who is attractive and attracted to him....and that's why stay at home dads have to be VERY secure in themselves and their wives also have to be VERY secure in themselves as women and professionals and mates, etc.


For now, you have a lot to work on and a lot to work with.

Stay the course and do THIS program (don't mix up the different approaches b/c then neither is treated fairly) and you can't tell which things worked best.

Make sense? Okay, so where are you in the books now? I lost track....
oh and one other thing

a small thing -- if you could break up your posts into smaller paragraphs, it's a lot easier to follow. Thanks,

good luck!