New here - H's MLC hit like a ton of bricks

[AJM]

LN, it's not likely he'll stray from the 90% him blame. It's likely accurate too. But then there's still the problem of being angry....

That's really it right? The big issue was his anger to begin with. He just didn't know how to handle it, so he did what he knew - he blamed you. To an outsider you know the answer, but to him, what else could he do? It needs to stop and if it's your fault, then you deserve it!

Never mind that it wasn't.

Your H is one of the lucky few if he's sticking with counselling. Even rarer if he found a good counselor.

To be able to figure out that it's not you is HUGE in this arena. And it's very helpful for him (both of you really) to heal.

AJ

[LiveNow]

Yes, I was just thinking more about the anger. Surprised that, after a year, it's STILL there, certainly not as venomous, but still there. And it's been there for at least 5 or 6 years. I remember seeing bits and pieces of it along the way, but always attributed it to his job, with which he's been increasingly unhappy for at least that long - constant complaining (and he was never a complainer before). Anyway, he's got to find some way to deal with it.

He SAYS he's going to counseling, but if he is, he must have JUST started, because I have not seen any paperwork from the insurance company (and I would, if he were going). The paper work lags a bit, so he probably just started it up. No idea where he's going. Not the same one I go to.

Well, he's going to be moving into an apartment very shortly, by himself, alone, at last. After living with sister and BIL for the past year, maybe he will actually like it? But either way, reality is about to set in for him. It will be interesting. Stay tuned!

[AJM]

Oh, it will be interesting to say the least.

But I'm not interested in what he's going to be doing. I think it's great he's trying to get help. Many do, oddly enough. They say they don't, but often try in various ways.

Sticking with it is another matter altogether.

Now, about you... What are you going to do to attain that PMA and sustain it?

AJ

[LiveNow]

Well, geez, what HAVEN'T I done? Seriously - yoga, meditation, support group (6 new friends, all divorced now), work conference, 2 trips out west, reestablished friendships and family ties, took up a new sport, started running again, counseling weekly, and I have read at least one entire grocery bag of books trying to learn more about myself and how I contributed to this mess. It's a daily struggle, still, and frankly, I'm kind of tired. Some days are perfectly fine, but some, like today, I miss having my best friend to do stuff with. I don't know anyone who likes to do a lot of what I like to do. I'm planning to join a couple of meetups, so that might help. But like I said, sometimes I just don't feel like putting forth the effort. I'm An introvert, so it's even tougher when you don't always want to hang out in groups. Anyway, that's it for now. It's the weekend. No sense in wasting my free time thinking about this. The summer is going by...

[AJM]

While you try things, try to remember - that's what you're doing. Trying things. Some work, some aren't a "fit" for you. But if you keep at it, you'll find things that you like and that recharge you.

I get the missing the best friend bit. It is not what you asked for. I get the introvert thing. I'm not one, but I get it.

It may be that social things aren't your bag. So as you keep trying, maybe you need to find something that doesn't require extroversion, right?

Enjoy the weekend!

AJ

[LiveNow]

Thanks AJ. That's why I took up paddle boarding! Nice thing to do alone or with one or two others. But, get this: I'm on a weekend getaway in one house with EIGHT other women! What did I get myself into?! And the book that's in front of me is called 'Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking'! At the moment just enjoying a beer by the lake before they all get here and all he!! breaks loose! Funny...<sigh>

[AJM]

I remember trying really hard to get a vacation like that. Hard to find 8 women that get along at that age

It's good to get some people time and then get the solitude. You can get both on a weekend like that. Just be sure to make the time.. that's also something an introvert tends to be bad at - making time for themselves in a busy world. Once you get good at it you'll be surprised how much better it is.

AJ

[LiveNow]

Ok, that was one CRAZY weekend! But, I enjoyed myself. Good company, lots of laughs, beer, boats, and sunshine. Good all around...but I might have gained a couple of pounds!

Checked our (joint) bank account - H has indeed rented an apartment (withdrawal made for rent a couple of days ago). Starting a new chapter, both of us.

Appointment with my attorney this Tuesday in preparation for mediation.

[T-boned]

Ok LN, I just finished answering your post on my thread where I said I would read your posts tomorrow night cuz it was getting late and needed to go to bed, but I couldn't help but come over here and read the last week's worth of your posts. Geez, you and I do have a lot in common. I'm an introvert for the most part too - I enjoy the solitude of being with maybe one other person most of the time. But I always enjoyed the company of my H. I applaud you for braving a weekend in a house with 8!, count 'em, 8 other women. Sounds like you had a good time. Gotta get that book you mentioned.

Anyway, I have a lot more to talk with you about, but darn it, it's 11:15 - should have been in bed an hour ago - but gotta say I'm lovin' the discourse you are having with beatrice, AJM, and Shining. Great posts with lots of good messages. Thanks! Talk with ya soon. (())

[BrightFuture]

LiveNow, thanks for drooping by my thread.

I see lots of similarities in our stories. My H told he was not happy for 2-3 years pre BD. And I think when he dropped the B, he had an EA just starting or at least thinking about it. With my super intuition and detective abilities, I think I pointed right at her, not even knowing what was going on. The suspected phone number on his record with lots of texts and some calls. He met her in the state where he works. Looking back, I see lots of evidence. But he told me that they were just good friends (yeah, after just about 1.5 months of knowing each other.) He also blamed me for another jealousy outburst when I confronted him. I know that she is not in the picture anymore. So, what happened with “good friends”?

It’s been 2 years after the BD, but I still cannot make sense of it.

Well, geez, what HAVEN'T I done? Seriously - yoga, meditation, support group (6 new friends, all divorced now), work conference, 2 trips out west, reestablished friendships and family ties, took up a new sport, started running again, counseling weekly, and I have read at least one entire grocery bag of books trying to learn more about myself and how I contributed to this mess. It's a daily struggle, still, and frankly, I'm kind of tired. Some days are perfectly fine, but some, like today, I miss having my best friend to do stuff with.
But like I said, sometimes I just don't feel like putting forth the effort. I'm An introvert, so it's even tougher when you don't always want to hang out in groups.

I’ve done about the same amount of activities. I can add the poll dancing to the mix, LOL. And I don’t even remember how many books I read. I’m also an introvert, even though I feel fairly relaxed in most crowds. I just have hard time initiating any activities. But I try to accept all invitations from friends and family.

I’m glad you enjoyed your last weekend.