Wife wants marriage with OM, is there any hope?

[25yearsmlc]

OK, I need some quick advice. Tonight, my WAW wants to finalize the controlled separation agreement (type it out, print it out, get it notarized).

Who wrote it? Who has reviewed it, (meaning, did either of you retain a lawyer?)
Do you KNOW she has or has not?

How eager should I be towards this process? Should I just let her do all the work? Should I show her that I am unhappy with this (because I really am)?


She knows you are unhappy about it. You gain nothing by again showing that. To repeat, SHE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL. NO sudden "PMA" will cause doubt in her that soon. Plus, notice your focus again is on you and how YOU feel.

Being miserable is Not attractive, but being "serious" and "concerned" YET civil and cooperative, probably is more believable than pretending to be "Fine"...

Can you pull it off ?--===I mean, not thinking about yourself only AND acting concerned for all parties, (not just angry at her) or moping & wallowing in pity?

IF you cannot treat her civilly, OR IF You cannot resist the urge to say a nasty thing again about her or to her or about OM, then do NOT do this.

Delay it, or just don't do it.

And btw, I'm not clear on why you are formalizing this anyhow. If you can agree to things like temporary custody, why formalize it in writing? It'll make it easier to divorce later, btw, unless one of you changes their mind.



I agreed with her last week regarding the controlled separation because I wanted to not provide resistance to her need for space. We agreed on some basic principles, such as division of assets, agreement to live in the same house, agreement to allow each other to date other people, etc.

How do I make it known that I want to give her space, but at the same time, be clear that this is a choice that I'm not ultimately happy with? I also want to make it clear to her that I have no intention of dating anyone.

Why MUST she know that you won't date anyone? (She DOES NOT need to know that). You said it before. She does not need to hear that again. It's clearly a way for you to try and make her feel guilty, and that will backfire. IT's another method you are using to try to control her. Do you see that? (SHE will)
..... IF you insist you will not date anyone, she'll probably see it as you pretending to be morally superior and your comments will just remind her of the double standards you've applied before and are hell bent on still doing.

As for giving her space BUT not being happy about that, why would you want her to know that? You keep thinking if she knows you are miserable but complying, that means you are what....less selfish?

I think being at peace with her need for space would cause her to see you in a better light a lot more than your desire to ensure she knows how miserable you are. And I believe that she absolutely DOES know you're miserable and it's one reason she wants OUT. So no, I would not remind her of how unhappy you are to be around, anymore than you already have. She knows anyhow, and seeing you CHANGE in some way would be a lot more valuable than more of the same.


I'm really uncomfortable with how our evening will look and I'm afraid I may do or say something to derail myself.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

LISTEN TO HER and then listen some more.

IF she says something that you don't understand fully, OR that you think you dislike, first ask her to "maybe explain that some more so [you] can make sure you understand what she's saying better".

Do not assume all the issues must be worked out in one session. Agree to disagree on some things and table them til later if you must.
WOuldn't it be great if you two actually did some conflict resolution together? What a 180 that would be.

What are the other 180s you'll have a chance to show her tonight? Focus on those and not on the worst case scenarios. You CAN delay this if there's too much to deal with in one night

OR if you don't want to sign it and need to sleep on it . NO biggie. Way better than fighting.

Do NOT get into an argument. Do NOT mention OM's name, even in "jest" b/c it won't get a single laugh and it will sound snarky of you. Show concern for HER wishes and HER need for space.

Show her that you are fairly confident that once she has gotten her space & met OMs, she'll know better, what you can offer AND that is, that marriage to you can be better/different than before -- because you are changing, you are becoming a man only a fool would leave.

You show that by showing change, and no more of the old you.

Make sense?