Phoenix slowly rising

[T-boned]

Hey TL, sorry you just experienced my submarine trick.

I'd like to say I'm doing well, but lately not so much. I've been crying every day for the past few days ever since I knew he had returned from his trip. I miss him so much. I ache for him. And then yesterday I was on my way to a benefit event in a friend's car, and guess who was in front of us? Yep. He was on his way to the OW place,I'm pretty sure since that was the way to her home. He didn't see me and probably wouldn't have recognized me anyway because of the car.

I was so looking forward to working the event as a way to keep my mind off things, but the universe threw this at me. My poor friend . . . we were having this good conversation and then I went silent. My friend knew I was hurting - she knew us, went to our wedding etc....

Anyway, all through the event I tried to change my frame of mind, and in some cases succeeded, but for the most part I felt like I was so outside of life. Just existing - no feeling.

I guess I'm still deep in grieving . . . it has been almost year. I feel like it is a little different grief now -I know some of it is rooted in past losses, but I guess just acknowledging those losses isn't enough. I still have to deal with them apparently.

I've lost my best friend; that hurts. But maybe I'll find some help in knowing that I just have to accept this for now and hope that life will bring me something different by the choices I make. Personal growth is definitely not easy or pleasant at times.

Anyway, his return and being in the area, coupled with our divorce being final on the 29th and all that represents, has me on the ropes right now. I'm still running but cry while I run and/or do my floor exercises. Thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but the light has disappeared for the time being. Marathon . . .