That is impressive!!! You know I wonder what your "pay off" was before when you micro managed everything. Hmm, needing to feel crucial? I doubt it was intentionally disrespectful to your h, but idk, was it intentional?
I think it was more about you wanting to feel vitally important AND OR b/c you have a strong need to be in control of things.
[color:#6600CC]In response to this ^^^ above, I think my constant intervening with H when it came to things with our daughter began when she was VERY little. He was very flustered and forgetful when it came to her. He'd want to take her to the park at 12/13 months to play but he'd forget the diaper bag or a snack or a hat and then he'd come home sooner than he wanted saying it wasn't any fun because he was stressed out the whole time so I started trying to anticipate and "make things easier" by giving him everything he needed (diaper bag, snacks, drinks, sun screen, extra hats, outfit changes, etc) so it would be fun for them both which would allow me to relax at home and have a break which I desperately needed. If he was stressed and unprepared, then when he came home with her I'd have a lot to deal with (his stress, frustration, her tantrum, over tiredness, hunger, etc. He'd hand her to me screaming and he'd go off for a "break" after he just spent 1 hour alone with her. I felt abandoned and left to clean up the mess of his lack of planning/preparation so I took on the role of "preparer" so things would be easier for us both. It has just become habitual now. So if I say, "Would you be able to take d to piano on Tuesday" and he agrees to, he has NO IDEA that she needs to bring her book and her homework. D is almost 7 so some of the responsibility can fall on her but sometimes she'll grab her book but not the homework or she'll grab her karate uniform but not her belt... so I make sure it's all there so it's easier for everyone. It's HARD to let it go.
Part of the difficulty is that he doesn't really care that much if it's all there. HE doesn't care if she doesn't have her piano homework when he takes her because next week I'll take her and she'll have it then so to him the problem is solved. That thinking frustrates me. He will admit he's forgetful and suffers from severe ADHD. It has been a point of contention since d was born that lack of planning on his part becomes an emergency on my part.
I'm making a conscious effort to minimize the size of that issue for my own sake by letting as much go as I possibly can and I'm doing a pretty good job but the reality is, he fumbles the ball A LOT. He has done a great job the last two weeks and there will be setbacks. I can be less critical and I WILL because criticizing him doesn't solve the problem and only hurts our relationship - I've learned that. But how do I address my frustration with how much I need to help him help me? Asking him to take d to karate means just that to him. To take her. To me it includes packing water for her, making sure her uniform, belt and flip flops are all in a bag to she can change after camp, if it's the late class I'll pack a snack, bring something for myself to read during the class. You know! You're a mom, 25... this is mom 101 stuff. It's just not important to him.
Did you say your childhood was chaotic? I tend to find more women who are controlling, come from homes where they had no control over what happened to them growing up...
My brothers and I were horribly abused by my mother when we were kids and my father did nothing about it. Later my mother was charged with abuse and my father charged with neglect. I was removed from the home by DCS and placed in foster care. My parents picked up and fled the state so as not to have to reimburse the state for my care. They left me in CA at age 16 and moved back to Atlanta with my younger brother (my older brother was in college in PA). Does that explain things a little? No excuses, for sure. The micromanaging isn't serving me just as you say below, but I need his HELP and I feel that his half efforts make things harder on ME. Does that make sense?
no excuse, just a question about why, in the first place. IF you can identify what the pay off was or why the "need" for such mega management, you might find it easier to drop it off at the "Goodwill" b/c it's not serving you well anymore.
Food for thought. All in all, WELL DONE. You are not spending time defending your self and you are identifying things you must work on, pretty fast. You might turn this thing around.
And even if, by some chance, you don't, you're still so much better off not taking on the chores of the world. YOU will be happier after this ordeal, no matter what.
You will be a better woman for all this. No small thing.[/color] [/quote]
On a separate note, H is seeming very distant since yesterday. I'm trying to tell myself that everyone has their ups and downs and there's a lot going on right now, lots to think about and consider so on one hand, I understand. On the other hand it makes me nervous. Maybe my efforts toward change aren't going to be enough. Maybe he's depressed. Only time will tell and I'm committed to having patience but interpreting his quietness is hard. I asked him about it yesterday evening and he said he's just thinking a lot, which I get. I can only hope a tiny bit of hope is blooming in him and is quietness makes me doubt that's happening.
When I come back from SF next Saturday we are telling our daughter and he's officially moving into his apartment that night. That's going to be a rough night. Maybe that's what he's thinking about. If so, that'd make me quiet and pensive, too.
::sigh:: this process is HARD on the heart (and there's no OP in our mix so I know it could be MUCH harder). I just hope I'm strong enough for all of it.
