I am the prize

[daring]

FY I love the roller coaster analogy of only going up and down half or less- that makes it more doable to imagine I don't have to be perfect just less up and down than him. ( I'm a bit of an overachiever so this gives me a more realistic goal).

I do chat after exercise sometimes but frankly my schedule is pretty tight so adding anything else in is tough. Two of my staff at work are also close friends so that's an opportunity to talk and interact with non- aliens.

Interesting happenings today yet again- H was driving me back up to work to pick up my car since I left it the other day when I got sick. He told me he was looking at a house for rent today. I asked if he had found better rent prices and he said yes a little.
Then told me D12 had asked him at dinner about holidays and how that would work. He told her we would figure it out but as she's noticed we've been doing things together as a family most of the time.
Then he said " as my counselor says, I don't know why you don't think you're married- you're just sleeping somewhere else but still do everything as a family". Counselor also suggested to him that if we needed help to figure out the kids so we can move on ourselves we could go to counseling together. He told her no, we don't have an issue there. Then as he's talking to me he said again, it's all just a mess.
Few minutes later he said you've been great, I just want to make sure I acknowledge that. Then as he's dropping me off he said- are you ok with doing the holidays together this year? I said I'm ok with that, at some point it may be too much but for now I'm ok.
Then in my office he asked if I needed anything othr than a new husband- I said I don't need a new husband. He said you obviously do this ones broken. I said I'm broken too. Then he hugged me and said I'm sorry, I really am.

So thoughts on all this- he's acting like he did the two previous times he said he was going to seek a D, like there's no hope. I'm not necessarily fearing the D, I understand that doesn't have to mean the end, I'm more concerned about why he seems to have this downtrodden view. Maybe it's part of the rapid cycling, the progress toward the tunnel exit, or even his own counselors prodding which is sometimes helpful and sometimes not.
He obviously doesn't want to let go completely as he's asking to do holidays together etc. He just seems to be in a place where he thinks he will never get free from and be able to have a relationship. I know this is part of the whole MLC journey but these moments for me are the scariest.
All I can do is keep shining as the lighthouse on my rock and manage my own ebb and flow so that it's not so affected by him.