Hey, K you last couple of posts reminded me of this which landed in my mail box this week.
Quote:
when we are angry, three things are true:
We are experiencing a strong need and feel an urgent desire to have it met. (We may want to feel safe, valued, or connected to others; we may want to make our own choices, to believe we matter, to be heard, etc.)
Because our need is so important, we don't want others to have a choice about meeting it, so when we talk about our need we apply moralistic rules that we hope will compel others to meet our need. (These rules sound like: "I deserve... You should... The right way is... That's not fair, you're supposed to... ").
Because we believe our rules are correct, we feel justified in treating others in unpleasant ways that will almost guarantee that they won't care about meeting our needs. Oops.
This is a sorry cycle, but it does reveal how we can convert anger into understanding and connection. First, we can recognize that the moralistic rules our partner has about how we should or shouldn't act are just their attempt to compel others to meet their needs. The rules themselves don't really matter. What does matter is to identify the unmet needs that are embedded within these rules.
It reminded me of how rule-bound, black-and-white thinking I was and still can be at times. It's a difficult mind-set to shake because it's usually a defense we've brought with us from the past. Sometimes we don't recognize what we're doing.
What can you do to help you when you get into that place?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
