Interesting thread, My W has both the "social anxiety" and NPD traits going on. She has had VERY low self esteem for a long time. She had to describe herself for a seminar for work and she said she felt other people see her as "dorky", stupid, not good enough, "invisible", "shy", etc. The more I tried to build her up, the more angry she would become at me because I MUST be lying to her just to get her to like ME! I couldn't really think so highly of her or that if I did there must be something "wrong" with me as I was the only person who saw it that way. It was a no win situation. If I told her she was smart, I just didn't see her when she was at work, if I thought she was beautiful, I either was lying or had bad taste. I think that part of the problem is that if I really loved her the way she was, then I wasn't good enough for her!
For those going through MLC, for them to change who they are so drastically, to become so different than they were before, they must have hated who they were, felt inadequate. If they didn't have low self esteem, they wouldn't want so badly to be so different.
FY, my W says the same things as yours. She needs to "find my joy", time is running out, I only have a few more years left before I'm too old to enjoy my life, etc. But at the same time she is now doing the things that NPDers do and saying the things that they say. That part of it started when her father came into the picture and stated telling her what she was doing was the right thing for her to do. Up until he got involved no one she knew thought she was doing the "right" thing and she questioned herself. Enter the person who was the most to blame for her low self esteem telling her that now that she was acting more like him, he was PROUD of her. (Yes, he used those words, even told her she was "empowering" herself by hiding money from me when we were barely making ends meet and needed all the money we could just to pay the bills).
I think this is a big part of what the OP plays in MLC. They find someone who tells them that they are doing the right thing. That how they feel is justified because of what WE did TO them. Look at AJM's exW's new H. He, years later keeps repeating the made up reasons that his ex came up with to justify why she "had" to run. He defends the indefensible. She thinks "See, I'm not the only one who see's things this way!" and she remains stuck in the cycle of blame.
For my W, the person she most wanted to love her and care about her has now suddenly started to seem to care about her. Never mind that everyone else thinks she is acting out, doing the wrong thing, she has what she needs for now. Once she has totally destroyed her past and becomes the woman her father wants her to, he will go right back to being the same way he was before. By then my W will have destroyed her old life and it will be gone forever. What happens then only time will tell but for now it gives her the reason to keep doing what she is. So, sad. So much pain caused to so many. But nothing we LBS's can do to stop them!
