soo good to hear from you and i'm soo glad you're doing great. hope visit is great. i've been short of alone time when i remember to go to forum and/or feel free to be spilling my guts here. it's okay tho
i hear you- and you're rite. it's less painful - it's not something i'm "neutral" about.
i don't like how i'm living- i amnot in a position to provide myself with something "better". believe me when i tellyou that.
it's a tradeoff i guess. am keeping busy- am feeling a bit creative and even working in gardens - here and there- so better in the way of not just being a dead carcass on the side of the road (as i have been for last few years).
so anyway- idk what's going on. something is- something with him- i'm sick of waiting tho. i'm tryin to be patient, keep my peace and no "talks". i find there's nothing for me to say anyway- that i haven't already (unless i get to the drop dead- i'm outta here) place...
so - my usual i guess- need to get this estate rolling and housese sold- shore is lagging these last five years or so - home shouldn't be too bad- if we could get going. waiting for one sister to have six months in at her new job to see if she can get financing... then we'll know what we're doing.
just taken a few weeks off- nominding out- playing with neices babies and trying like mad to not think about it. (my sisters areall in their armchairs calling with advices, directions, etc. what a bunch of yentas...)
anyway- alive- okay- ten pounds or so heavier and not happy about it. walking again th0, gonna go garden & sweat it oout in a minute- one minute of aloneness .
i dont' know what it is I want dawn. I can see the benefits of my current life - i can see the deficit - then i get to the place where i begin (as usual) to say to self - (a lifetime habit) who says everyone gets evrything they want? if you've got a life tht's better than most you see around you- who are you to want "perfections", maybe this is just what it's gonna be, etc.
i9t's either defeatist , or maybe it's realistic , or maybe it's procrastination, or lazy m, or wise?
who the heck knows. so, i'm gonna go work like mad, make myself exhausted and worry about it tomorrow-
yeah- i know - wtf???
xxoo
ps -i have no idea what the heck h is up to? or why. the nice little trips (3)!!, being pleasant, thiking of doing some work around this house which is sooooo very overdue- even asking an opinion or two about it? i'm suspicious, if i'm honest. why spruce it up now? well, it does need it and he inherited a giant ton of $$, but is it for him, someone else? me? wtf??? my usual crappola $hit tornado of a life, but no one actually screaming at me today (yet -f ingers crossed) i wonder if i'll just ever see my family again after this estate is done- what a bunch of selfish jerks huh? - like they act like nothing they ever said happened- and what? i just forgot how rotten they were? because i'm being courteous and civil - oiy... will be glad when it's all over and done - nobody will find me pursuing them.
