Sitch:My husband & I got married after dating for a year and a half. We have now been married almost 3 years.
My concern is getting along with my husband and my inability to do so. I get very jealous, insecure, dependent, and needy. I am very affectionate and like to spend time with H. I have gotten into many many accusations against him claiming that he doens't care about me, or by getting jealous over him talking to old female friends. (Even made scenes in public!)
Initially, he reassured me, but got tired of it, b/c I would continue to get upset. Eventually he backed off more and more. Then we would start the uphill swing getting along better and then I would crash, causing us to go back to square one. Then we'd have to rebuild again, and again, and again.
Last fall: We still spend time together, but he no longer tells me that he loves or cares about me. His time and energy seem to be more spent with his friends and hobbies and bicycling. Then w/me, I get to watch tv with him... ooh aaah. I am trying to be more positive around him, "act as if," and be accepting of him. I know I must be patient as far as not expecting many emotions from him. Sometimes, the walls will start to come down, and he'll be more open with me. Other times, I feel like he just wants me to leave him alone. He says he is still willing to try, but he wants to feel like we are getting somewhere. I feel the same. He can't deal with my incessant crying (I know-who could?) He used to be sweet and tell me that he misses me and leave me messages, and give me beautiful cards on holidays. Now, I am lucky if I receive a compliment.
Now I feel like the more he can be away from me, the better. I feel so hurt at times, that I can't help but cry. I can't handle these feelings of rejection. I know-what I fear-I have created. I just don't seem to have the strength to take care of myself. I want emotional support. However, I feel like I cannot ask for anything anymore. It's like the one person I want to be with the most, I can't be with. (emotionally) I'm sure it will take time, but I just get so impatient. I just want him to tell me that he cares, or that he does want to be with me, but he doesn't.
I have tried some d-b techniques, which have helped. However, I can't seem to stay on the wagon. This week he told me he has plans from Tuesday through Saturday and made no mention of when we would be able to squeeze in any time or plan a special day. I feel dissapointed. He actually acted like he didn't care if we spent that much time apart. I keep learning more and more of how he DOESN'T feel about me. I have nothing positive to go on other than the fact that he is still here. Thanks for reading.
Now: We now spend a lot of time together. He goes out with his friends once or twice a week. We have been hiking together with a group of people in the local bike club. We the weather is not a monsoon, we will bike a lot. He has been helping make plans and decisions. He has been initiating sex more which was one of my complaints. He now acts like he wants to be around me! He says ILY infrequently. This year he did on V Day, in a couple emails, in a couple phone messages, and a couple weeks ago. He always says it back (which i have backed off on), but hardly says it first. Sex is always great! We have gone to many parties, a camping trip, out to some bars and I haven't gotten jealous. He saw his ex-fiance a couple weeks ago. At first it didn't bother me, but then I started to think about it.
I ended up asking him if he is glad he is with me and not her, if he has regrets about their r,etc. He said he is glad he is w/me and that he has no regrets about them. My h is very stable, trustworthy, dependable, easy-going-a "pillar of strength."
He now compliments me sometimes and puts more effort into our r. We now can actually discuss things and be over with them in 5-15 min. rather than 5 hours of yelling, him withdrawing, me chasing, etc...I have asked that he touch me when we talk about stuff and he has been!
My LL are words and physical affection. He shows more by acts of service, and quality time.
I have been taking better care of myself-playing vball once a week and climbing at the rock-climbing gym once a week. (this week i ditched vball and climbed twice). I have made a lot of friends-from church, this bike club, etc. I am more secure in myself, but I still have this underlying inability to believe that he loves/cares about me.
What works for me is to change my thoughts-if I am obsessing/ruminating, to re-focus on work or another task. And, a huge one is being physically active. I get a lot of pent up emotional/physical energy which usually results in me lashing out at h. I have come very far in how I communicate with him-I don't accuse. He says I assume the worst in him all the time, which is true. I am trying to change that and ask for clarification rather than make ASSumptions.
We are planning to fix up our house, we put new road bicycles in layaway, and are going to go to Vegas in the fall. We don't have a lot of money, but I try to save where I can.
