I wish I could live my life like I climb walls. Not to brag, but I'm fairly good at it. The other night, I was about to attempt a new difficult one. My friend asked what my strategy was. I said, "I don't have one. I just climb up the wall w/o thinking about it. That way, I have no time to get scared or tell myself that I can't do it." karen812
Why can't you?
I've been listening to the KLA tapes and one of the things that Michele suggests is to list your strengths and skills that you have that you apply to OTHER areas of your life and apply them to your R.
SO...what is it about climbing that enables you to not think, just act and act successfully?
Is it confidence? Skills that you have built (training, exercises, etc) A belief that you will be ok even if you fail? A safety rope?
This is actually an intriguing concept, no?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: SO...what is it about climbing that enables you to not think, just act and act successfully?
Is it confidence? Skills that you have built (training, exercises, etc) A belief that you will be ok even if you fail? A safety rope?
I think it is a combo of the above. I def. have confidence once I get up there, the safety rope sure helps! And, I guess I feel certain that i won't fail-or at least if I don't make it up a certain route, that it'll be ok, b/c I'll prob. get it in the next few weeks.
Thinking is my prob. If I am bored at work, or there is quiet time or whatever, my mind wanders. I'm finding that if I can re-focus on work or a task at home, then I can forget about whatever I was ruminating about. My new mgr. is being very supportive, and working with me so I can go to C appt's! Yes, I found a solution based C. I spoke with her on the phone about 15 mins, and set up an appt. for next Thursday.
Things have been decent w/hubby. I'm trying to be understanding of his back probs and not be too "demanding." The times that I have gotten upset we were able to get over in like 10 min!!! He is def. making strides, and ok, I am too! He is making a serious effort to touch me when I am upset. I know I should not rely on him to feel better, but it calms me down as opposed to the withdrawal causing me to freak out more.
I felt some jealousy at work today. A friend of mine is getting m. Her fiance has lotsa $$$. He sends her huge, expensive flowers to work, she's got a ring that I'd guess cost at least $10K, they are getting m in hungary where she is from. They went to Italy last year, etc. I know that I shouldn't want money over my sweet h, but... And he does bring me flowers home-just doesn't send them to work. $15 vs. $100, hmmm...It just seems like she has "everything." I don't know much about their lives at home together other than they spend every waking min. together. They are also celebrating the day they met tonight. I think they celebrate their dating anniv. and half year anniv's too. I like to do stuff like that, but the last couple times I brought up celebrating the dating anniv, h said that our Wedding Anniv. supercedes the others...but, things were also much worse then...
Sitch:My husband & I got married after dating for a year and a half. We have now been married almost 3 years.
My concern is getting along with my husband and my inability to do so. I get very jealous, insecure, dependent, and needy. I am very affectionate and like to spend time with H. I have gotten into many many accusations against him claiming that he doens't care about me, or by getting jealous over him talking to old female friends. (Even made scenes in public!)
Initially, he reassured me, but got tired of it, b/c I would continue to get upset. Eventually he backed off more and more. Then we would start the uphill swing getting along better and then I would crash, causing us to go back to square one. Then we'd have to rebuild again, and again, and again.
Last fall: We still spend time together, but he no longer tells me that he loves or cares about me. His time and energy seem to be more spent with his friends and hobbies and bicycling. Then w/me, I get to watch tv with him... ooh aaah. I am trying to be more positive around him, "act as if," and be accepting of him. I know I must be patient as far as not expecting many emotions from him. Sometimes, the walls will start to come down, and he'll be more open with me. Other times, I feel like he just wants me to leave him alone. He says he is still willing to try, but he wants to feel like we are getting somewhere. I feel the same. He can't deal with my incessant crying (I know-who could?) He used to be sweet and tell me that he misses me and leave me messages, and give me beautiful cards on holidays. Now, I am lucky if I receive a compliment.
Now I feel like the more he can be away from me, the better. I feel so hurt at times, that I can't help but cry. I can't handle these feelings of rejection. I know-what I fear-I have created. I just don't seem to have the strength to take care of myself. I want emotional support. However, I feel like I cannot ask for anything anymore. It's like the one person I want to be with the most, I can't be with. (emotionally) I'm sure it will take time, but I just get so impatient. I just want him to tell me that he cares, or that he does want to be with me, but he doesn't.
I have tried some d-b techniques, which have helped. However, I can't seem to stay on the wagon. This week he told me he has plans from Tuesday through Saturday and made no mention of when we would be able to squeeze in any time or plan a special day. I feel dissapointed. He actually acted like he didn't care if we spent that much time apart. I keep learning more and more of how he DOESN'T feel about me. I have nothing positive to go on other than the fact that he is still here. Thanks for reading.
Now: We now spend a lot of time together. He goes out with his friends once or twice a week. We have been hiking together with a group of people in the local bike club. We the weather is not a monsoon, we will bike a lot. He has been helping make plans and decisions. He has been initiating sex more which was one of my complaints. He now acts like he wants to be around me! He says ILY infrequently. This year he did on V Day, in a couple emails, in a couple phone messages, and a couple weeks ago. He always says it back (which i have backed off on), but hardly says it first. Sex is always great! We have gone to many parties, a camping trip, out to some bars and I haven't gotten jealous. He saw his ex-fiance a couple weeks ago. At first it didn't bother me, but then I started to think about it.
I ended up asking him if he is glad he is with me and not her, if he has regrets about their r,etc. He said he is glad he is w/me and that he has no regrets about them. My h is very stable, trustworthy, dependable, easy-going-a "pillar of strength."
He now compliments me sometimes and puts more effort into our r. We now can actually discuss things and be over with them in 5-15 min. rather than 5 hours of yelling, him withdrawing, me chasing, etc...I have asked that he touch me when we talk about stuff and he has been!
My LL are words and physical affection. He shows more by acts of service, and quality time.
I have been taking better care of myself-playing vball once a week and climbing at the rock-climbing gym once a week. (this week i ditched vball and climbed twice). I have made a lot of friends-from church, this bike club, etc. I am more secure in myself, but I still have this underlying inability to believe that he loves/cares about me.
What works for me is to change my thoughts-if I am obsessing/ruminating, to re-focus on work or another task. And, a huge one is being physically active. I get a lot of pent up emotional/physical energy which usually results in me lashing out at h. I have come very far in how I communicate with him-I don't accuse. He says I assume the worst in him all the time, which is true. I am trying to change that and ask for clarification rather than make ASSumptions.
We are planning to fix up our house, we put new road bicycles in layaway, and are going to go to Vegas in the fall. We don't have a lot of money, but I try to save where I can.
Quote: A friend of mine is getting m. Her fiance has lotsa $$$. He sends her huge, expensive flowers to work, she's got a ring that I'd guess cost at least $10K, they are getting m in hungary where she is from. They went to Italy last year, etc. I know that I shouldn't want money over my sweet h, but... And he does bring me flowers home-just doesn't send them to work. $15 vs. $100, hmmm...It just seems like she has "everything." I don't know much about their lives at home together other than they spend every waking min. together.
The thing is, it's easy to thing she has everything now, but will she 10 years from now? Even very wealthy people get divorced, right? People (and I mean EVERYONE -- friends, family, acquaintances) were SHOCKED to find out dh and I were separating. We always got along, he was romantic (well, in the past moreso than recently), I was the smart, supportive wife, we looked incredibly happy to all who knew us. At retrouvaille a couple of weeks ago, I said something to that effect in our small group sharing, and one of the other younger couples laughed and said they had discussed that on their weekend -- that several of the younger couples there were all "the perfect couple" to their friends and family. It just goes to show you that you never can tell. I used to feel pity and contempt for some friends of ours who would fight in front of people, or make biting remarks to each other in front of people. Well, those couples are still happily married, and here I am....
Hi, How is everyone? I will catch up with you tomorrow!! work has been up and down, but I like my new mgr. a lot.
Climbed M & W this week, Tues H & I went out to eat, last night we built a fire since it snowed again and played a game.
He just called to say he was going to have a beer after work with his friend. We couldn't figure out what we are going to do later (we hadn't made plans). I said i'd go have a beer w/my co-workers. He said it was ok if i wanted to eat w/o him, i felt weird. Jealous? Irritated? H asked if I knew anything about tomorrow b/c I had called a couple to see if they wanted to do something. H said that he would want to do low-key if we are going out-out tomorrow. I asked what his definition of low key is and he wouldn't answer me. I finally just said that if his friend was done to call me, and if i was done, i'd call him and that we would hold off on eating until we talk. He may come up here if his friend leaves early.
He said ILY when we hung up. Why do I feel sad now? not sure.
i would give my right arm for a ILY right about now. Pick up the PMA a little. Remember what we talked about before, maybe his idea of low key is with you. Don't fall back into your own trap again.
He is probably still down because he can't do the things he did before, because of injury. Take that into consideration, sounds like a little depression on his end. probably looking to find himself again and to feel useful as he probably is in the mindset that he is not what he used to be. I know you have hard times accepting some things, but put yourself in his shoes, what if you couldn't climb anymore, bike, etc.... how would you react internally. Think about it. i see he loves you more than you realize, open your eyes and make the time for him, something he is comfortable with.
His ILY should mean a ton to you right now, do not let it slip away. OK
Thanks Dan! Last night h came up to the rest. that i went to w/co-workers. We all had a really good time laughing and one guy told me over and over that i made the right choice by marrying h and another said that h is really cool and that they really bonded. So much for h being shy anymore!!! This is awesome! He used to be so reluctant to be around my co-w's or church friends...
I still have a hard time believing that h is kidding sometimes. We can both be sarcastic, playful, obnoxious, mouthy at times. But, I know I am always kidding, but a couple times I questioned him. He told me he was just playing and was fearing that I was taking things too seriously. so, i put my happy face back on. He said ily again while we were there!! I talked dirty to him a little in his ear. I keep reminding him that the 3rd year anniv. is leather. **chuckle chuckle.** He says, "yeah right," like he doesn't believe that i will buy something leather to wear...little does he know...
Super bonus!!! Ya know the rich girl & her fiance? well, they had invited us to their wedding in Hungary, and I was joking-i said, "I asked h if we could go, and he said no." (like we could really afford it.) Ff's fiance said, "there are nude/topless beaches..." h said, "even if there weren't, I'd still like to go," like he doesn't even give a flyin' fart about the nude beaches. Woo hoo for me! and yuck for her. I know I would feel uncomfy if that were my fiance talking like that to other guys. I don't think it is polite or respectful, but my h IS!!!
we're supposed to go out-out tonight...hopefully after he and maybe i nap. He seems tired and sore. thanks dan for reminding me to empathize w/him. You are absolutely right. I have asthma & cannot always do aerobically what I would like to & have to be left behind sometimes and it SUx!!! I hate to feel like I CAN'T do something!!
