DBing after WAW then reactive EA by me...NO QUIT!

[Joe1981]

Thank you so much for the long, thoughtful replies 25yearsmlc. I'm going to start responding now to the first bit, reread a lot of what you wrote, think on it some, then try to respond to the rest as much as I can.
I will try my hardest to get out of the "I hate myself" mindset, because I know it is self-indulgent and counter-productive. It is, however, how I feel right now. If I could divorce me, I would.

In response to your first post:
Inertia is always a problem for me. Has always been.
Excuse time: between my kids having swim lessons, soccer, need for nap for D3, W's demand that the house be in order when she gets home, and the fact that she gets mad if I go anywhere when she gets home because I'm not home helping w/ the kids, I feel like my time is not that plentiful and it often doesn't feel like my own. Now, I know these are all just excuses, and thus, are crap, but they are why I feel stuck. I'm like the worst person ever at time management.
OK, enough excuses...plan of action. Since W and kids are off to Portland tomorrow and Monday (she planned it because "Hello. Did you not think I knew what was coming? It's why I booked Portland." So there's my track record) so I actually have time to focus on me.
1) I will make phone calls to the people in charge of signing up players for a local adult soccer league (one call before, unreturned...I didn't follow up either). This is an important one to me because it will benefit me in many ways. It is getting out to GAL, it is exercise that I enjoy, and it is a chance to make friends.
2) I will also go to the gym both days to get good workouts in and try to get some momentum up for the week. Momentum being much more productive than inertia.
3) I will read 5LL, started some tonight, I'll read more when I'm done with this post. I will also finish up DR and probably reread some sections of it. I may crack into "After the affair" too.
4) I will tackle whatever house-work I can. I badly need to finish painting the outside of the house (major issue for W...and it should be) but it's going to be 100 degrees here, so that job may have to wait to be a weekend in September. I can, however do things in the house and maybe even wash the windows...they need it and I can manage that in the heat.
5) ??? Ideas ??? I already cleaned both bathrooms, the kitchen sink, and mowed the lawn Friday and today.
6) Brainstorm ways to make a grand gesture. I don't think I should do anything immediate to try to fix the b-day failure because "...after the fact is not the same. So don't thing trying to fix the issue is a good idea." I'm thinking I'm going to have to do a "just because" or "I'm so sorry for everything" gift sometime in the next few weeks. Really hard because I have no means to spend money that she doesn't immediately track...ugh another excuse. I'm intrigued by the idea of something for her and a friend.

Other ideas to better me (180s):
1) Plan for my D3's b-day in September. This may be my next best chance to show my W that I can learn how to give gifts.
2) Learn to write computer software. I think I want to get my masters in computer science or some related thing so I have the option of switching careers at some point.
3) Train for and run a 5K, this should help the weight loss keep coming.
4) Learn to speak Spanish semi-fluently; 3 years in HS, but I'd really love to be able to speak it to students and parents.
5) Continue to get things done around the house. Both in terms of general cleaning and daily running of the ship and in terms of improvements. Do as much as I possibly can w/out her ever asking.
6) Take charge of my half of the finances...whether we actually separate or continue to be "roommates" (her word).
7) Make time to be active w/ my kids every chance I have.
8) Find a fear to conquer...other than fear of rejection.
9) Face and deal with my fear of rejection since that's the one I have to conquer to stay the course and stand for my marriage (and the reason I made the mistake of quitting and getting into the EA). I've only had 3 actual relationships, and probably only two other brief ones before due to my paralyzing fear of rejection ever since I first became interested in girls. Basically all of my relationships were very low-risk entries for me. Either I knew ahead of time they'd say yes if I asked them out, or they pursued me.
10) Deal with the trust issues created by my EA. First with myself, then with my W.
11) Find a friend who has gone through a really rough time in his M so I can have one person to have my back that is actually present in my life. Though this community is going to be my well of strength when I need it.
12) Though I'm not religious, find a method of centering myself. I must have a way to slow myself down when I get panicky (like when I quit and jumped into the EA after letting my mind run wild w/ what my W was doing after dropping the D word on me.

OK, now I'm overwhelmed.

I'll write more later, computer battery about to die.

Thanks again!!!