Hi Ladies!
H went out of town and we talked a few times on the phone. He is calling me more often, which is really nice!

I played vball, went out to din w/a new gf that I've been hanging out with sometimes! Climbed on Wed., went out again. Thurs h came home, I went hiking and he met up with me, my uncle, and another new gf for din.

H's back continues to hurt REALLY bad. He went back to the chiro, and felt like he got no answers from him and that he feels very negatively about this! I try to remind him that it may take some time. *But, I don't understand why the dr. is not giving him more concrete answers. When I went there, he had a lot to say about h. H didn't even hear about his xray results-hopefully b/c the dr. doesn't have them yet. ?? H also has a couple lipomas (fatty tumors) that the dr. was going to look into.

And, I know h hates being in the car for a long time b/c he is smooshed in them since his legs are so long ~36+"! So, I planned on just snuggling, but he initiated ml! He grabbed my butt and I asked him if he missed it. He said, "among other things." He said he was horny the day before and it carried over...I was very responsive, and thanked him for sharing. I think he is HOT, but he can be REALLY hot when he wants to be!

Last night got carry out & watched a movie. (ok, i feel asleep-it was not funny at all-Johnny English). Slept, woke up and i init. ml.

I took mom2two's advice as she has suggested I just start kissing him. I thought about it-he doesn't respond real well to being verbal about it (or at least not to my liking; I feel like he is being apathetic). So, if I start to kiss him or nuzzle him somewhere, if he isn't interested he kind of scrunches up his neck or shoos me away (gently). So, I will just watch for those cues and NOT get hurt by being turned down.

He is being more communicative and decisive. He is really making strides! We are having din with his 'rents, then we are going out separately. (He initiated this). So, I have been acting fine with it, though still feeling a little jealous. ??

I continue to feel jealous about his xfiance. I know he doesnt' do anything that would cause me to feel suspicious. They actually both sound very mature about the sit. as they value their friendship but know it just wouldn't work out. H calls their R "successful." ?? He talks about some men at work that have been divorced twice and thinks that he knows something they don't. Well, in essence, he does! He is a very committed, loyal man, doesn't have unrealistic expectations and knows that r's require comprimise and negotiation at times.

I'm not sure how I communicated with him that was diff. last time! Well, I did use the LL's with him. I told him that we have a role reversal as far as sex goes. He said he's used to feeling like their has to be more QT or working up to it in the r in order to get sex. I said, "it's not that way with me! I like more sex and that helps me get along better in the r!" He was surprised and said that he didn't know that. WHAT??? I've said that sooo many times...why didn't he get it? But, to my advantage, he now DOES understand and I believe is **willing** to have more sex!! alright!!

H2O, as far as the wall goes...What helps me come out is feeling more secure in myself and independent. I can accept him and love him more uncond'y. It also helps when I get appreciation, affirmation, acceptance, affection, attention from h. However, this also TRIGGERS me putting the wall back up. Me feeling secure in the R scares me. I am so SURE that the other shoe is going to fall or that someone is going to take it away from me, that I cause it to happen!! I am the one that is dropping the other shoe! I'm trying to beat him to the punch!

I get a lot of pent up negative energy in my head. I really have gotten a LOT better about not ruminating and obsessing about fears. Like, if I were to sit here and think about his x, I would end up bawling and later causing a prob., asking for reassurance, pushing him away, etc. But, if I can fogeddaboutit, I can go on. The key is being able to STOP my - thoughts and think about something else. Or to ask myself what I am telling myself to get upset ie "he MUST still be attracted to her...he doesn't want/desire me..." And then, turn that around and reassure myself.

I wish I could live my life like I climb walls. Not to brag, but I'm fairly good at it. The other night, I was about to attempt a new difficult one. My friend asked what my strategy was. I said, "I don't have one. I just climb up the wall w/o thinking about it. That way, I have no time to get scared or tell myself that I can't do it."

karen812