DBing after WAW then reactive EA by me...NO QUIT!

[25yearsmlc]

You're right again labug. If she asks me to go, and actually wants me to, I'll go. For my kids and the hope of having fun together. No expectations though.

Now, the bday gift...I'm convinced I have to at least get her something. But like a friend level gift. But something that says I know you. Even though I don't think I do anymore. I've been such a terrible listener over the years, I lost touch w/ my W on so many levels. And post blow-up over my EA she got after me about not doing anything like flowers or anything. I have to try something. Some kind of grand gesture...that's a180 for me. But what?

A spa weekend? A long massage for her and then a manicure/pedicure?

Something just for her and or her and a bff.

But I read ahead and know you said "epic fail" b/c I guess you got her nothing from you, correct?

Why? Inertia? Paralysis? NOT choosing anything IS a choice and I sense quite a bit of that from you in the marriage. Sort of like giving up a MONTH into this...

see my signature block b/c I was at this for 2 years...and did a LOT of work on myself, and imo, I was not a bad wife. I was part of a marriage that had gone from being a great one (and I mean that, we once had a GREAT marriage, the envy of many, and we achieved a lot on our own as a young couple, without help from anyone)...but his medical career was unrelenting, we bit off more than I could chew for sure, and I became resentful, and h became more career oriented b/c that's where he got positive feedback and also b/c he's a bit of a workaholic.

MY role became the judger and I judged him harshly and was almost chronically mad at him.

In your situation, HERE You have owned your part but now all you speak of is HER anger at you.

What have you owned up to, with HER? And have you REALLY or did you say it a few times and then leave the room or hope "it's over now, right? I mean, I SAID I was sorry!"

Some folks do that and expect a 2 sentence apology spoken once, should end any further talk. OTOH I also think at some point the past has to be in the past.

Our marriage vows said "from this day forward", for a reason & I think it's brilliant. At SOME point you both have to put your dukes down and being NOW and stay in the present, building for tomorrow.

I DO have hope for you b/c your wife expected a grand gesture gift from you which means to me, she wants you to earn her trust and respect (and overt love) back!

Otherwise she'd be indifferent AND OR have already filed. She is not indifferent and she has not filed.

She wants and needs you to change and for the marriage dynamic to change. I know YOU want it to change too and that is why you are here.

But yes you the LBSer have to take the first step and the second step and the third and the next 2503 steps....WHY?

2 reasons:

1) b/c you admit for the most part, YOU have failed her as a h. So you need to change your husbanding ways, and

2) you are here working on your m and she is not. We cannot help her, we cannot advise her on how to change. We can only help YOU and you can only help YOU and you only control you so don;t bother "helping" your wife to change.

YOU CHANGE YOU and the dynamic changes by definition; by its very nature and she will change too....absolutely.

SO stay in your sandbox for now. GAL and Detach and become a bit mysterious.

As she sees you becoming THE MAN she has always wanted you to become and then fears that you might actually BE "HIM" but for some other woman....

then we'll be here to guide you into piecing, in a smart steady way.

So why not get her the grand gesture gift while she's gone and say "I'm sorry I was confused about what you needed for your B-D b/c I have not listened to you as well as I should have for some time. NO matter what happens, THAT will change. But I'd ask that you help me with this b/c I know you are not the same woman you were 5 years ago and we are both changing so if you could let me know what you need or want, it would help me gain some clarity."

AND OR something like "as you know, I'm lousy at mind reading so if you could clarify things as we go, it would help ME to be better at this".

Also, NO woman is unmoved by the loving interactions of her children with their father. Be the best dad You can be and don't worry about "showing" her. The kids will tell her the fun things they did with you. Don't point it out or appear to.

Also, why do you keep saying you want "a minimum of 50% custody"? I'm a L though not in Washington and no expert and this is NOT legal advice.

But I'd be shocked if you got "more" than half custody. Why would you?

Is she in any way "Unfit"? And I'm not counting the weird outbursts in front of the kids at this point b/c I don't know how bad it was or what they saw or what is provable.

But you may need to accept that best case scenario, you'll get half custody which is what most courts favor. Usually one parent has to overcome the presumption in favor of joint physical custody if they want more than 50% physical custody

(not the same as "joint custody" in general, which isn't related to physical custody but joint decision making about religion, school, health issues, etc) Understand?

And what does your wife do for her work and what are her hours like?

And what would SHE SAY about you and the marriage if she were here now?

Which of those things are you working on? B/C once a problem is being worked on, it's not a "problem" anymore; it's being handled.

SO when she points out something you are already working on, say "working on it, no need to revisit that, so let's focus on the present".

OR tell her something along the lines of "need to stay in the moment and not rehash the past, b/c [you] are creating a better future for [you] and the family."

She can keep carping but at some point it's hard to scream in an empty room. And you need to learn to jog soon and get faster so she cannot keep up with you....

seriously, how are those GAL ideas? Did you read my list? That's not even complete but I'd bet anything you could coach a T-ball team or do something with other parents of kids your kids' age or something else off that list. Don't know where you live but


Hang in there. There ARE positives. Stay strong and do NOT wallow. It helps no one and it's a bit self indulgent too. Like the "woe is me" thing, which is not attractive or what YOU want anyhow.

More later....

PS where are you in the books? DO read them - and more than once...