I am the prize

[daring]

I recovered the day pretty well. I feel sometimes like I am the one going crazy lately- I think I may be too attached to H's rapid cycling.
So as expected he asked me an hours yet what was wrong- I said I'm just really nutty and I'm taking things personally that I shouldn't. He said there wasn't anything he had said directly to me today and I said you're right this is my issue. He accepted that answer and then checked in with me later to make sure I was ok.
As much as he maybe grumpy or angry, I know it's not truly directed at me and I have a choice how I respond. If my self esteem is down I take the things he says and does to heart, even if he's teasing. I had done a great job of stopping that before but got caught up these last few days. I'm glad I responded the way I did to him and accepted my part of the issue as it seems to have broken the cycle for now.

So the other thing going on is S12 really doesn't want to go to his house ever. She says it's not home, she doesn't like it and she doesn't want to go. I try to help, and H tells her he deserves to have his time with them too. But at that she it's hard to force it. He's really trying to connect with her- took her out to dinner tonight for some time. She's usually daddy's girl but is really upset at his choices. I mentioned that maybe we need to reconsider the idea of H and I switching off at the main house for time with the kids. He said no- he's not going to have me leave. He knows this is hard one everyone, he just doesn't know anything anymore.
I don't press when he says those things, but the timing and context often seem as though he wants to consider coming home but just doesn't know.
Could be hope on my part but I do think that's in his thoughts he just has no idea how to dig out of the hole he's in.
I'll keep the door open but no pushing- and keep working on my own sanity!!