Karen, have you ever looked into a retrouvaille weekend? I really think it would help with your problems in miscommunication with your dh! I used to (and am still working on trying not to) do many of the same things you did, over and over again -- especially the negative thinking.
On the whole sex thing -- what happens if you don't ask, you just start kissing his neck or touching him or taking off his clothes? Does he tell you "No, I don't feel like it?" or ??? As a wife who isn't all that wild about sex (I enjoy it, but could live without it most of the time), I sometimes ignored my dh's hints in the past, but if he just started taking my clothes off or kissing me, I usually went along. I'm trying to be better about initiating, but it's very difficult when your sex drive just isn't that strong.
When he goes out with his friends, is he calling them and suggesting going out, or do they call him? I used to think "Oh sure -- he never makes plans for us to do ANYTHING! I have to make all the plans!" which is actually true, BUT I used to get very resentful and annoyed when he'd go off with his friends and do things. Then, after he moved out, I realized that he often goes out with his friends only when they call him and THEY make the plans. So, it's not just me -- he's just kind of lazy about planning.
Well, you all shouldn't get so excited. Downfall came again this weekend. Fortunately, a lot of really good talking came out of it. He understands a couple things better now. I feel somewhat angry b/c I feel like I have been saying the same things for a long time, why does he understand it now?? BUT, I know I should appreciate too that he DID hear it.
Turns out, his ideal number of sex per week is more than I thought!
We also talked about my fears and he said he is concerned b/c I am not 100% committed. (Holding back my emo's, acceptance, love, etc.) He is a very insightful guy and he was being supportive and understanding.
I still feel like I am blaming HIM for everything in my head though still, and I know that isn't right! He IS working on this M!
Concert was not great. I thought I liked this group better, the theatre is standing room only, H's back was killing him, and I was getting light-headed/overheated and queasy! We decided to leave early which was fine w/me and we went to a local bar to see a band.
I continue to assume the worst and get my feelings hurt. I don't even know why I bother writing here b/c I don't want to waste your time. You all are giving me great advice and support. I'm afraid of letting you down too.
I don't know about Retro. I have never brought it up...
I think that I should just start kissing and touching him and stuff rather than asking questions for it, etc. The thing is that sometimes I feel like he is feeling apathetic about it, and it hurts my feelings. He said the only times he doesn't want it is when his back hurts really bad, when he is super tired, and when we are not getting along.
I have bragged about my prowess, but I feel like I stifle it. He is expecting me to be more wild like I said I would be. I told him I feel very tentative about approaching him b/c of his non-verbal communication. We also talked about him feeling used and he said I made a comment that he didn't take right? I don't know-I guess I said that I could get f'ed anytime. So, he thought that if I am just f'ing him that it is not special. I assured him that that is not the case AT ALL, that it's always special to me. Sometimes I like to ML, sometimes just a quick F is fine, but I said, it's ALWAYS ML with him! So, he felt better about that. I'm glad. I certainly do not want him to think I am just using him.
He is going out of town for a couple days this week. So, I know I need to make tonight a good night!!
Quote: I don't even know why I bother writing here b/c I don't want to waste your time. You all are giving me great advice and support. I'm afraid of letting you down too.
Karen, shame on you!!!! That is why we are here. The whole purpose of this BB is to get advice and to try out different ideas, not to mention to vent and get support. I do know how it feels tho...go read my thread...ppl (no names...wiley) LOL have pummelled me upside the head with great advice and I am so stubborn and thick skulled, it took me FOREVER and a day to get it!!! I know he prob. wanted to strangle me! So, hang in there, we love ya! You give me alot of inspiration. We are so alike and our H's are alot alike, when you succeed in something, it gives me the boost I need to KNOW I can do it, too. Your H is a real jewel (maybe a tiny bit of polishing needed! LOL) and he is there, working right beside you to save your M. Cherish that and learn from the rough times. Seems like your past interaction proves you guys can compromise and communicate! I'm proud of you. Stop that negative thinking and pat yourself on the back!!! Take care! Debi
Hi Debi! I have been reading your post, just haven't had much to add. You gotta do what's right for YOU!!!
Last night was good. I went to the library, groc. store, cooked din. I called H and he said he had to work a little late and to call him when I left the store and he would start to clean up and come home. I called, he called back saying he forgot he had to run to Sear's and would that be ok as far as din. was concerned. I said, oh, that's fine!
He came home and was in lots of pain. He was quiet and apologized for not being more personable. Again, I said that's fine and thank you for saying so. XXOO.
This morning he said that he didn't know when he'd be leaving for out of town and if he would leave before I got home from work. I told him to give me a call. He'll be gone until Thursday. Tonight I play vball, and tomorrow I'm climbing the walls! (Literally!)
I'm really not sure what is going to help me get around the wall that I keep putting in front of myself. Some thought stopping and thought changing. Do you have any specific questions or sayings to yourself when you start to freak out or want to crazy-make?
Well, I think when I get negative, I pray, read the bible, or I listen to fast music. When I get really bad...I cry and that releases some of the pressure. I have used the Innertalk* cassettes for positive re-enforcement. I will yell at myself to "Stop" and I will positive talk myself out of it. It's not easy but it is worth it. You really have to find what works with you. When I get down and grumpy, I just need a time-out. I had a bit of a time of it today b/c of my C wanting me to dwell in the past. YughUhgh! LOL. Hope you find something that helps you! Take care, Debi
You ask a good question about your wall. I actually said that about my H years before we S. That he was hiding behind a wall and would periodically peek out. That it was a continual process of taking bricks off and then putting them back on. I told him that I wanted to take a wrecking ball and break the wall down and use the bricks to build a bridge to me. As a matter of fact I drew him a picture of that after we were S.
It is an interesting concept of being behind the wall. What are your feelings being there? Are there times that you feel like you are not behind the wall? Triggers that make you feel the need to go there?
Hang in there and enjoy the gooddness! Don't ever feel like you don't want to post. You never know what others are going through. Even if someone doesn't post, you could be helping someone. I know I gain a lot of strength from what others are saying.
Hi Ladies! H went out of town and we talked a few times on the phone. He is calling me more often, which is really nice!
I played vball, went out to din w/a new gf that I've been hanging out with sometimes! Climbed on Wed., went out again. Thurs h came home, I went hiking and he met up with me, my uncle, and another new gf for din.
H's back continues to hurt REALLY bad. He went back to the chiro, and felt like he got no answers from him and that he feels very negatively about this! I try to remind him that it may take some time. *But, I don't understand why the dr. is not giving him more concrete answers. When I went there, he had a lot to say about h. H didn't even hear about his xray results-hopefully b/c the dr. doesn't have them yet. ?? H also has a couple lipomas (fatty tumors) that the dr. was going to look into.
And, I know h hates being in the car for a long time b/c he is smooshed in them since his legs are so long ~36+"! So, I planned on just snuggling, but he initiated ml! He grabbed my butt and I asked him if he missed it. He said, "among other things." He said he was horny the day before and it carried over...I was very responsive, and thanked him for sharing. I think he is HOT, but he can be REALLY hot when he wants to be!
Last night got carry out & watched a movie. (ok, i feel asleep-it was not funny at all-Johnny English). Slept, woke up and i init. ml.
I took mom2two's advice as she has suggested I just start kissing him. I thought about it-he doesn't respond real well to being verbal about it (or at least not to my liking; I feel like he is being apathetic). So, if I start to kiss him or nuzzle him somewhere, if he isn't interested he kind of scrunches up his neck or shoos me away (gently). So, I will just watch for those cues and NOT get hurt by being turned down.
He is being more communicative and decisive. He is really making strides! We are having din with his 'rents, then we are going out separately. (He initiated this). So, I have been acting fine with it, though still feeling a little jealous. ??
I continue to feel jealous about his xfiance. I know he doesnt' do anything that would cause me to feel suspicious. They actually both sound very mature about the sit. as they value their friendship but know it just wouldn't work out. H calls their R "successful." ?? He talks about some men at work that have been divorced twice and thinks that he knows something they don't. Well, in essence, he does! He is a very committed, loyal man, doesn't have unrealistic expectations and knows that r's require comprimise and negotiation at times.
I'm not sure how I communicated with him that was diff. last time! Well, I did use the LL's with him. I told him that we have a role reversal as far as sex goes. He said he's used to feeling like their has to be more QT or working up to it in the r in order to get sex. I said, "it's not that way with me! I like more sex and that helps me get along better in the r!" He was surprised and said that he didn't know that. WHAT??? I've said that sooo many times...why didn't he get it? But, to my advantage, he now DOES understand and I believe is **willing** to have more sex!! alright!!
H2O, as far as the wall goes...What helps me come out is feeling more secure in myself and independent. I can accept him and love him more uncond'y. It also helps when I get appreciation, affirmation, acceptance, affection, attention from h. However, this also TRIGGERS me putting the wall back up. Me feeling secure in the R scares me. I am so SURE that the other shoe is going to fall or that someone is going to take it away from me, that I cause it to happen!! I am the one that is dropping the other shoe! I'm trying to beat him to the punch!
I get a lot of pent up negative energy in my head. I really have gotten a LOT better about not ruminating and obsessing about fears. Like, if I were to sit here and think about his x, I would end up bawling and later causing a prob., asking for reassurance, pushing him away, etc. But, if I can fogeddaboutit, I can go on. The key is being able to STOP my - thoughts and think about something else. Or to ask myself what I am telling myself to get upset ie "he MUST still be attracted to her...he doesn't want/desire me..." And then, turn that around and reassure myself.
I wish I could live my life like I climb walls. Not to brag, but I'm fairly good at it. The other night, I was about to attempt a new difficult one. My friend asked what my strategy was. I said, "I don't have one. I just climb up the wall w/o thinking about it. That way, I have no time to get scared or tell myself that I can't do it." karen812
